First, a little background. It is Sunday and being a good little Girl Reporter, here I am reading my Bible and trying to behave myself, when it suddenly occurrs to me, how would a Vattle Birther interpret the Bible. Vattle Birthers are what I call the silly, ignorant people who think that it takes two citizen parents for somebody to be a natural born citizen. They are a embarrassment to the rest of the Birthers. Vattel was a Swiss guy who spoke French and died like 300 years ago, but who the Vattle Birthers think was the inspiration for the Constitution or something.
If it wasn’t Sunday, and if I wasn’t trying to behave myself, then I would use a whole lot worse language to describe the Vattle Birthers besides silly and ignorant. If, for example, it was Monday, then I would be calling them a pack of big fat liars who are purposely misleading people. They ignore court decisions which they don’t like. They read court cases to mean the opposite of what they really mean. Nobody can mangle the English language as bad as they do on accident. Anyway, here is the imaginary discussion between me and a Vattle Birther about the Bible.
Vattle Birther: You know, if you believe in Jesus, you are going to die and not get to go to Heaven. That’s what it says in the Bible.
Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: DO WHAT??? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Haven’t you ever read John 3:16, where it says, For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Vattle Birther: You are reading it wrong. The “him” refers back to God, not Jesus. If you believe in God, then you get everlasting life. If you believe in Jesus, then you aren’t believing in God, so you are going to perish. John 3:16 is the seminal verse which proves my point that you are not supposed to believe in Jesus.
Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: That is an absurd way to read the verse, and nobody else in the universe reads it that way. Plus what about the rest of the Bible and all the other verses like in Romans10:9, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Vattle Birther: Romans??? How can you believe anything in Romans, because Paul was a Roman and they were the ones who fed Christians to the lions!!!
Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: You’re crazy and a liar to boot. What about all the preachers of every denomination. None of them say what you do, that is wrong to believe in Jesus???
Vattle Birther: All the preachers are in on it. None of them tell the truth because they would lose their jobs.
Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: That is just purely stupid and you ought to be ashamed of yourself misleading people that way!!! I can see how some of the sophisticated Christians might water stuff down, but what about the Hellfire Texas Baptists??? They have guns and aren’t one bit afraid to tell the truth. Plus, why is it that nobody in the last few hundred years has interpreted things like you have??? You are just a demon or something, GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!!
Now, if anybody thinks that this is exaggeration, forget it. The Vattle Birthers do just exactly this sort of stuff to arrive at their conclusions. And, if you think I am being sacrilegious. . .well, it is Sunday, and I got you to read two Bible verses, which is probably two more than most of you Heathens would have read otherwise!!!