The Case of the Sleeping Case
A Pot Boiler by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter
It was a dark and stormy night. Inside the dimly lit speak easy, two shadowy figures defied the rules and spoke hard. Leo “the Dip” was sweating bullets, and Mario “the Mangler” obsessively policed the brass. “I’m worried,” said Leo. “There’s a paper trail a mile wide and a hundred and thirty six years long. How are we ever going to convince these mugs that a case that has been on ice all these years is The One???”
“Leave da doity bizzness to me,” said the Mangler, in his thick New Joisey accent. “I’ll cover it up in French. Nobody talks French no more, not even the French,” the Mangler said as he called out to the bartender, “Laisse tomber les filles.” (Which means, “Please fill up the tumbler.”)
“It takes a lot of gall to use France, doesn’t it, and don’t the judges come right out and say they aren’t messing with this citizenship stuff?” the Dip asked.
“Judges smudges,” said the Mangler off-handedly, as he loaded up his BAC Calculator App and began talking to himself. “I know what I’m thinking. Did I have six shots or only five?” Well, to tell me the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Sailor Venus, and has three different kinds of alcohol in it, and would blow my mind clean off, I gotta ask myself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do I, punk?”
“Yo, Mario, snap out of it!” the Dip exclaimed, and continued. “I’m serious here, man. This Minor Happersett case isn’t even about citizenship. It’s a voting rights case. It’s sat there un-noticed and un-loved for 136 plus years now. Nobody has ever cited it for a definition of natural born citizenship. We could be skating on thin ethical ice. And are you down with using the losing sides of Lynch v. Clarke and Wong Kim Ark for our arguments? What if somebody catches that? What if some palooka asks about Chester Arthur??? How his father wasn’t a citizen and he became president just 5 years after Minor Happersett? Or finds out that the same judge who wrote the decision is the one who swore him in???”
“You worry too much,” answered the Mangler. “Nobody we want to convince is going to go back to 1844 or 1898 to read the loser’s arguments, or the dissent in Wong Kim Ark. Chester Arthur? These saps don’t know from Adam about Chester Arthur. Plus, we can find some speeches and letters to fluff it out with and make it look legal. Anybody who takes the time to read this dribble isn’t going to believe what we’re saying in da foist place. Hey, mebbe that would be a good name for my website, The Foist Place, ya know where you foist stuff off on people? No, I probably need sumptin simple, like ‘A Place To Ask Questions About This Crap,’ you know sumptin like that. I bet I can get it up and running by April, maybe even March. . .”
“Would you just forget about the damn website for a minute, and let’s talk how we approach this. I mean I don’t want to get sanctioned or anything. We could ruin our reputations and end up having to do public defender work on Dee Wees (DWIs) for a living,” the Dip lamented.
“Hey, don’t knock Dee Wees!” The Mangler interjected. “They help pay the bills. I’m writing the tab tonight off my taxes as research on one of my cases. And don’t worry I have two backup plans. First, if we get busted out, we just say it is Satire about the Legal System. I mean who could take this crap we’re writing seriously?”
“What’s the second backup plan?” Leo inquired.
Well, I have been to the courthouse and the flag in the courtroom has a fringe on it. That means it’s a Maritime Court!!! And they can’t sanction a lawyer in a Maritime Court unless he is an officer on active duty. So, we’re covered,” explained the Mangler. “And, being in Maritime Court, I have the perfect client to shepherd this through.”
Meanwhile, in the next booth, a young girl, slender as a reed, sat quietly like a cattail on a hot tin roof, afraid to move or all the fuzzy white stuff would fly every where. She sipped on her drink, a White Russian, and silently cursed her Blackberry, as the spell checker repeatedly returned Hasenpfeffer, and tried to sell her a download of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Maybe it wasn’t Minnie Hasenpfeffer she had overheard, maybe it was Minor Happenstance??? No matter. She would figure it out soon enough. What she heard from the two swells enraged her sense of decency. No moral fiber, she thought, in French, either of them.“Poupée de sire, poupée de son” (Which means the poop flows down from the father to the son, just like citizenship in France.)
She pulled her fedora lower over her face, and hid in its soft felt embrace. She snuggled into her trench coat, and thought of that famous poem, “
In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!
Well, green wasn’t her favorite color. Maybe black. Or Black and purple? In the fall orange delighted her with it earthy pumpkiny tones. And, she didn’t have a lantern. Just a flashlight. The kind with the big battery. Oh well, never mind. She would find something to make it work.
She waited until the two Wise Guys left, and then winked at a stranger, flashed a brief glimpse of her shapely gams, and her tab was picked up. But not her. She left the bar, and entered the night. And then, maybe it was inspiration, or maybe that fourth White Russian had loosened up her axons, or maybe it was just that stupid Megalodon movie she had watched a few weeks earlier about the giant dinosaur shark, whichevah! But it came to her. The Girl Reporter found a Rhyme to go with her Reason. . .a rhyme which she pledged to repeat daily, in front of her computer screen:
In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… the MegaBite!
Notes: The above story is fiction and satire and is protected by something, I am sure. Maybe the First Amendment??? Any resemblance to persons living or dead or committed under 72 Hour Mental Evaluation Orders is purely coincidental.
That being said, there are people known as Vattle Birthers (my humorous name for two citizen parent Birthers, or Vattel Birthers). There really is an 1875 SCOTUS case, Minor v. Happersett which is now being promoted as a case which defines the term natural born citizen. The Case really has been sleeping for 136 years, masquerading all this time as a historical Women’s Voting Rights case and is still cited for the proposition that the Constitution does not confer the right to vote. The case is NOT cited anywhere for defining citizenship or resolving questions about who is a natural born citizen. Such a characterization is a blatant falsehood. There are many Internet Articles here which discuss how this case is no such thing. And even if it was what the Vattle Birthers try to claim it was, it would still be trumped by the 1898 Won Kim Ark case which was decided 23 years later.
Vex-illogical Arguments: As far as the fringe on the flag comment: Yes, there really are people who believe that “gold fringe” on a flag means all kinds of strange things. Here is a fair representation of the belief culled together from several comments on the Internet:
The gold fringes on three edges of the flag means that it is the Admiralty flag. The flag you fly represents the jurisdiction you are under. Anyone saying otherwise is either lying or trying to miss lead you and put you back to sleep. The admiralty flag represent maritime law (international law) so when you surrender to the jurisdiction of the court by entering a plea or subjecting yourself to their jurisdiction in some way you are then trapped in that system. If you have done your homework, gotten up from your stupor, turned off the ball game, tuned out the media brainwash news and educated yourself you will know how to successfully challenge jurisdiction. The Admiralty flag is in every court house in the US. But they are federal enclaves and do not represent US law. Entering in to such a court is entering in to a foreign jurisdiction where they trick you in to becoming subordinate to their jurisdiction.
A gold fringe flag. That is an American Flag with a golden rim around it then know that youre in a military court being court marshalled under military laws. You will have no rights and can be executed immediately after a speedy trial!!!
This is what happens when idiots pretend to be lawyers. The Gold Fringe idiots and the sincere Vattle Birther idiots are cut from the same cloth. You can read more about this and many other Idiot Legal Arguments at:
As one court tell the Idiots:
As to the physical composition of the flag in the courtroom, the General Services Administration and the Administrative Office of the Courts supply furnishings for the courtroom. Defendants should address any complaints about the form of the courtroom flag to the General Services Administration.” Moeller v. D’Arrigo (ED Va 1995) 163 FRD 489
and as another tells them:
Jurisdiction is a matter of law, statute, and constitution, not a child’s game wherein one’s power is magnified or diminished by the display of some magic talisman. McCann v. Greenway (WD Mo 1997) 952 F.Supp 647
Vexillology is the scholarly study of flags.
1. a capricious idea or notion2. light or fanciful humour3. something quaint or unusual
A Sailor Venus is a drink made thusly :
120 ml white wine
15 ml Galliano® herbal liqueur
30 ml white rum
20 ml lemon juice
Shake and strain to pousse cafe glass. Garnish with a peel of lemon.
This is also a veiled reference to an 1814 case, The Venus, which the Vattle Birthers frequently misrepresent. Perhaps too many Sailor Venus’s are the reason???
A Potboiler is a book, painting, or recording produced merely to make the writer or artist a living. (Something I have been accused of. Making a living. And so it goes on, for this is how [I] must make a living.)