The Birther Bible

What a scoop!!! One of my confidential sources has leaked a copy of The Birther Bible to me. Here it is and I hope you enjoy it. What a fascinating document. I am pretty sure that it is genuine, but you never know.

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

The Birther Bible Said Hot Air Could Resurrect Dead Legal Theories


The Birther Bible

The Book of Vattel

Chapter 1

1. In the beginning was the Prophet, and his name was Emerich de Vattel.
2. And Vattel laid down the Law unto all nations, and the name of the Book was, The Law of Nations.
3. It was written in the language of the French.
4. Verily did Vattel say, in paragraph 212 of Book 1: “The natives, or natural-born citizens, are those born in the country, of parents who are citizens.”
5. Thus it was and thus it shall always be.
6. For did not John Jay seek permission of George Washington to inquire if any but a natural born citizen should ever become President?
7. And did not George Washington borrow The Law of Nations and returned it not, for the love of it?
8. Yea verily, the French are a great peoples, who invented mimes and many wonderful cheeses.

Chapter 2

1. Then there arose in the land those who denied the words of Vattel, and mocked the true believers and tempted them from the paths of patriotism with clever arguments.
2. These were known as the Anti-Vattelites.
3. They falsely testified that the common law of the English was the source of natural born citizenship, and yea, had been so for centuries before the coming of Vattel.
4. They told tales of Calvin’s Case, and how mere birth within the kingdom made one a natural born citizen.
5. Many were the American legal cases whereof they spake, and none which required two citizen parents to begat a natural born citizen, when the birth occurred within the Kingdom.
6. But the fast tongues of the Anti-Vattelites did not stop there.
7. No, for the blasphemous tongues of the Anti-Vattelites fashioned the very words of the Prophet himself into a snare for the unwary, saying unto them, “But did not Vattel himself say in paragraph 214 of Book 1, that “there are states, as, for instance, England, where the single circumstance of being born in the country naturalizes the children of a foreigner.”
8. Their slick words caused many to doubt, for of a truth those words do seemeth to indicate to the unlearned that the Prophet Vattel taught England was a nation unto itself, wherein mere birth inside the kingdom was sufficient for citizenship.
9. Yet, the wise Birther, who hath studied the matter thoroughly, doth understand that there were two Englands, and the Prophet was speaking of the other one, not the one from which sprangeth the United States.

The Book of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett

Chapter 1

1. Then in the year of 1875, did one Virginia Minor sueth the Elders of the State of Missouri so that she might be possessed of the right to vote, in the same manner as the men thereof.
2. She lost.
3. The Wise Judges of the Supreme Court didst counsel together and speak these words:
4. “At common-law, with the nomenclature of which the framers of the Constitution were familiar, it was never doubted that all children born in a country of parents who were its citizens became themselves, upon their birth, citizens also. These were natives, or natural-born citizens, as distinguished from aliens or foreigners.”
5. Thus did the Supreme Court recognize the words of the Prophet Vattel, and this became precedent throughout the land.
6. Selah. Selah. Selah.

Chapter 2

1. Alas, after hearing the words of the Judges, the hearts of Anti-Vattelites were hardened.
2. For in shame, should they have been driven from the land, no longer being able to ridicule the Constitutionalists with their mockery of French law, and their blasphemies against the Prophet Vattel.
3. Lo, was there now an American source which gaveth the law that two citizen-parents must begat natural born citizens, and no others.
4. Yet, in their perfidy and false pride, the Anti-Vattelites respected not even these American Judges
5. The Evil Ones would have it no other way but that the Judges’ words immediately following the precedent, must also be included in the prophesy, those words being, “Some authorities go further and include as citizens children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents. As to this class there have been doubts, but never as to the first. For the purposes of this case it is not necessary to solve these doubts.”
6. They bore false witness that the Judges indeed made no decision whatsoever in the manner of precedent, and didst but punt the question regarding the children born inside the Kingdom of aliens and foreigners to some later court.
7. In truth, those words do follow the first words of the decision, yet they do not mean there was incompleteness.
8. For if those words didst mean such a thing, then the words of the Prophet Vattel would not be fulfilled.
9. This teaching is complicated, and must not be mistaken for reasoning that cometh and goeth in circles.

The Book of Rhetorics

Chapter 1

1. Many are the scribes of the Anti-Vattelites and their name is Legion.
2. Day and night doth they toil at their evil work, incessantly setting down facts which have the outward appearance of negating the words of the Prophet Vattel, yea even contradicting the interpretations of the words of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
3. It is enough to make a patriot throw up his hands in despair
4. For truly is it said, that ants may kill a camel, and gnats drive the bull from the pasture.
5. Thus, is it better for thee not to contend with words against the Anti-Vattelites for they are quick of wit, and will confound thee with uncomfortable facts.
6. Far better it is for thee, to hitteth and runneth away. Say, in thy haste, that it takes two citizen-parents to begat a natural born citizen, as if knowing whereof you speak, and then flee the forum hurriedly lest you be confronted.
7. For truly is it said that words repeated often enough take on an existence all of their own.

Chapter 2

1. But if thou canst not hold thy tongue, then it is better to contend with words than to stew in silence, for such will busteth thy gut and cause fits.
2. And yea, here is the manner in which thou shouldst confront the Anti-Vattelites, if thou art feeling lucky.
3. Avoideth all talk of the Wong Kim Ark legal case, for here there be many dragons. Sayeth simply that Wong Kim Ark was not running for the Presidency, and prayeth earnestly that the Anti-Vattelite knoweth not the case well.
4. If however, the Anti-Vattelite knoweth well the case, then shouldst thou falsely remember thou hast an appointment with a physician, or some other pressing errand, and promise to return on the morrow. But, returneth not.
5. Doeth likewise with the case of Ankeny v. Governor, although thou mayst also calleth these judges by foul names, they being but judges of the state.
6. Some Birthers doth meet with success by copying and pasting large numbers of words from previous arguments without care that these words pertaineth not to the argument at hand.
7. Likewise mayst thou distracteth from the argument by the calling of names, limning the Anti-Vattelites as Minions of the Usurper.
8. All such artfulness mayst be avoided if thou simply stays among the chambers of like-minded Birthers, where thou canst be comforted with the sound of echos.

The Book of Acts

Chapter 1

1. These be the acts which it is better for thee not to commit.
2. Thou shalt not maketh a Citizen’s Arrest. These turneth out badly.
3. If thou attempts to maketh a Citizen’s Arrest anyway, and are afterwards arrested and convicted, do not talketh back and disrespect the Judge.
4. Thou shalt not engageth in civil rebellions or sedition.
5. If thou engageth in civil rebellions or sedition anyway, then thou shouldst not broadcast thy plans to bankers, the FBI, and strangers on the Internet. These also turneth out badly.
6. Neither shalt thou carryeth within thy vehicle, personal pleasure devices or deviant materials, as these will cause much shame unto thee.
7. Thou shalt not refuseth to deploy if so ordered by thy Centurion.
8. Thou shalt not walketh away from thy military retirement.
9. Thou shalt not maketh the youtube videos in which thou promises to arresteth the President. For lo, his protectors shall descend upon thee with guns, subpoenas, and search warrants.
10. Thou shalt not calleth judges by names or falsely accuse them within their own Courtroom, for their sanctions may be laid heavily upon thee.

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About Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

Hi!!! I am a Girl Reporter on the Internet. I am 31. Plus I am a INTP. I have a Major in Human Kinetics, and a Minor in English. I have 2 cats, and a new kitten! I write poetry, and plus I am trying to learn how to play guitar. I think that is all??? Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter View all posts by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

9 responses to “The Birther Bible

  • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

    Hi Whatever4!!!

    Thank you, but you know technically, it was some anonymous saint who wrote this. . .

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  • Fred Muggs

    I understand these books were found among the Dead Sea Scrotums.

  • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

    Hi Fred M!!!

    Actually, they were found when somebody was “Scrolling Through The Park One Day. . .”

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  • Fred Muggs

    I can’t wait until you publish the New Testecles of Birtherism!

  • Patric', the Patriot

    Miss Girl Reporter

    I believe you will find my second post very interesting. I got this information from one of my friends in Washington who is very well connected. You were nice to me when I got started, and I am returning the favor. This information is known to very few people, and you can be one of the first to break the story.

    Please be sure to link whatever you write back to my blog.

    http://gaybirther.wordpress.com/2011/11/29/president-obamas-real-father-was-john-f-kennedy/

    Patric’ The Patriot

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Hi Patric’:

      Well, I read your post and it was certainly interesting. But, can I ask you a question without hurting your feelings??? Is it for real, that there really are people who think that JFK is Obama’s father, or is it satire about how some Birthers fall for any story that comes along like the Bari Shabazz stuff???

      Because if it is satire, then it is really very good satire. But if people really believe it, then that is another thing entirely. I don’t want to post it yet because if it is satire, then people will tease me for being a Gull E. Bull. I have not found it anywhere else on the Internet yet.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

  • Slartibartfast

    Squeeky,

    Since you have clearly verified your sources to the very highest birther standards, I think we must regard this bible as being every bit as credible as holy objects like I, Lucas Smith’s POSFKBC* or the translation of St. Vattel published a decade after the Constitution.

    I hope one of your sources will stumble across The Mysteries of Indonesian Adoption or The Miracle of Kenyan Birth someday. I’ve heard that they, too, offer fascinating glimpses into the maelstrom that makes up the cognitive dissonance in the average birther mind…

    *Piece Of Shit Fake Kenyan Birth Certificate

    p.s. I made a comment as “Agent Smith” before–I wasn’t intending to be all sock-puppety, the handle just got auto-filled from the blog “Itookthebluepill” where I go by “Agent Smith” and call him “Mr. Anderson” since he chooses to live in a fantasy world…

  • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

    Hi Slarti!!!

    Oh, I never check out that kind of stuff about who is who. I will ask my secret Birther source about those other books.

    I just posted some comments on Turley’s blog. I can’t believe the idiots are still playing dumb. That ksdb is the dumbest of all.

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

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