Apparently, the Deluge of Birther lawsuits will continue for quote a while. I suspect appeal after appeal will be filed as these stinkers get drop kicked out of the courthouses. Some of these will be pro se lawsuits filed by individual Birthers untrained in the law. Others will be filed by attorneys. Their level of absurdity will vary greatly. There needs to be some way to rate these lawsuits, much like the Richter Scale and Fujita scale are used to rate earthquakes and tornadoes.
But there is a problem. Part of rating earthquakes and tornadoes relates to the amount of damage done, and Birther lawsuits don’t do any damage outside of wasting the Court’s time. Paraphrasing Shakespeare, these are lawsuits filed by idiots, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing. However, if we can’t rate Birther lawsuits by the output, maybe we can rate them by the input!
To that end, I propose The Rictal Scale!!! Rictal is the adjective form of Rictus which is defined as:
n. pl. rictus or ric·tus·es
1. The expanse of an open mouth, a bird’s beak, or similar structure.
2. A gaping grimace: “his mouth gaping in a kind of rictus of startled alarm” (Richard Adams).
3. a fixed or unnatural grin or grimace, as in horror or death.rictal adj.
In other words, the more we groan at the lawsuit, and make faces, the higher on the scale it is. All we have to do is identify the elements which make us groan and assign them a numerical value. Here are my thoughts. A Birther Lawsuit gets a point for each of these elements of absurdity:
1 Point for citing Minor v. Happersett as a precedent.
1 Point for stating there is a legal requirement for two citizen parents.
1 Point for simultaneously raising fraudulent birth certificate issues.
1 Point for citing the Dred Scott decision in support.
1 Chutzpah points for introducing Obama’s birth certificate as evidence Obama’s father was a non-citizen while also claiming the birth certificate is fraudulent and false.
1 Point for claiming there is a difference between a 14th Amendment Citizen born in the United States and an Article 2 Section 1 Clause 5 natural born citizen.
1 Point for more than 10 spelling errors in the Complaint.
1 Point for suing the wrong party, with 1 Point for each additional mistake in service.
1 Point for mentioning Emerich de Vattel.
1 Point if the Complaint states The Law of Nations book is included in the U.S. Constitution.
1 Point for filing on a pro se basis.
1 Point for filing in forma pauperis.
1 Point for requesting no empty chairs be allowed in the courtroom.
1 Point for filing after inauguration should Obama win in November 2012.
1 Point if the Plaintiff describes himself as a “patriot.”
1 Point if the Complaint mentions Leo Donofrio or Mario Apuzzo.
1 Point for each time a judge is asked to recuse himself.
1 Point if the Plaintiff accuses Obama of being a British citizen.
1 Points if the attorney is Orly Taitz.
1 Point if the Plaintiff prepares and files his own Amicus Curiae brief.
1 Point if the Plaintiff fails to mention Wong Kim Ark in the Complaint, or any Brief.
1 Point for each Amended Complaint.
1 Point for each Motion for Reconsideration.
1 Point for missing the Appeals deadline.
1 Point if any of the following words or terms are found in the Complaint or any Briefs: Usurper, frog march, Kenya, Muslim, Admiralty Court, New World Order, or gold fringe.
1 Point if the Plaintiff types his name in all lower case letters.
1 Point if the Plaintiff files as John Doe, or Anonymous.
1 Point for each and every other Absurd claim found in the Complaint or any Briefs as long as such absurdity is clearly listed.
Now this list could go on and on, but the beauty of the Rictal Scale, is that there is no upper limit like is found in the Fujita Tornado Scale or even in the Richter Earthquake Scale where as a practical matter, 9.5 seems to be tops. This is a good thing, for who could ever hope to predict the upper limits of Birther Absurdity.
Please consider the Rictal Scale, as a work in progress, and any and all contributions to further refining this tool will be appreciated.
Note 1: Thanks to G, at Obama Conspiracy Theories, for suggsting a point be added for Birther Plaintiffs citing the Dred Scott Decision!!!
Note 2: After initial publication of this Internet Article, the scale was renamed The Rictal Scale, the adjective form of the noun rictus being deemed more grammatically correct as descriptive of the noun scale. Like I said, this is a work in progress.