Monkeys As Judges Of Birthers (The Carl Swensson Simian Studies)

Unfooled, The Monkeys Knew That The Picture Of The Banana Was Not The Same Thing As A Real Banana

Hanging around with his Birther friends must have stimulated Carl Swensson’s scientific interest in monkeys and apes. Even the name of his website, Rise Up For America, is mute testimony to his fascination with bipedalism, and the advantages of walking erect on two legs over scampering around on four legs or knuckle dragging. At his website we find the following Scientific Simian Study:

Subject: Psychology 101

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of
stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with
same result … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it
with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment… with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to
the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up
have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of
the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold
water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb
the stairway for the banana.

Actually, what Swensson has managed to prove is that monkeys are smarter than Birthers.  The monkeys in the above experiment learned from bad experiences and did not repeat them, or let other monkeys repeat them. When have you ever seen a Birther do that??? Swensson’s own personal foray into the Georgia Courts proves that Birthers do not learn from bad experiences. His lawsuit repeated the same two citizen-parents nonsense that has had cold water poured on it by every single court which hears it.

And make no mistake about it, every time a Birther loses in court, the entire Birther Community gets doused. Swensson’s legal legacy to this point, has only served to increase the persuasive authority of the Ankeny v. Governor case. As a result, successive Birthers will only find an impossible task made even more impossible. His public relations legacy is even worse – just another stupid Birther taking a flying head-long dive into a brick wall.

Perhaps we should all take a moment to thank our Lucky Stars that we are descended from monkeys, not Birthers. Else, the human race would still be furry, sitting in trees, and trying to open coconuts by banging them against their heads.

As a side note, I have it on good authority that a local Georgia PETA chapter attempted a Simian Snatch and Grab operation at Mr. Swensson’s home. However, the monkeys had already escaped. Apparently, they were able to lure Mr. Swensson and several of his Birther friends inside the enclosure with a green and white piece of paper. While the humans fought over the piece of paper, the monkeys slipped out. Somehow, they managed to lock the door of the enclosure trapping the Birthers inside.

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1. The Image. The Image above is called Monkeys As Judges Of Art (1889) by Gabriel Cornelius von Max.


About Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

Hi!!! I am a Girl Reporter on the Internet. I am 34. Plus I am a INTP. I have a Major in Human Kinetics, and a Minor in English. I have 2 cats, and a new kitten! I write poetry, and plus I am trying to learn how to play guitar. I think that is all??? Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter View all posts by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

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