To date, the Birthers and Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Cold Case Posse have all come up short in getting access to Obama’s long form birth certificate. The Birthers complain the document is a forgery, and has never been introduced by either Obama or his attorneys into evidence in any court. This is after 100 plus Birther losses in court. Well, I think I have the answer for them! The lawsuit they can’t lose, where they will either get access to the long form or get it introduced into the record where it can be compared to the online image. And I am not joking.
First, a little background. Sometimes, you just have to think outside of the box to accomplish your goals. An example of this is Eliot Ness and Al “Scarface” Capone. As Jonathan Eig wrote, at The Huffington Post:
In 1931, when Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion and sentenced to 11 years in prison, the legendary gangster complained that he got a raw deal.
A reasonable argument can be made that Capone was punished for his long list of perceived and actual crimes, not just for his failure to pay income tax. The income-tax charge wasn’t the most precise weapon for bringing Capone to justice, but it was the quickest and surest, and the government preferred not to waste time.
[T]he prosecutor in the Capone case–the U.S. attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, George E.Q. Johnson–was among the first to hit on it: By separating Capone’s failure to pay taxes from his other crimes, he made his case almost impossible to lose. He didn’t have to prove that Capone earned his money through criminal conduct, only that he made money and failed to pay income tax.
The federal government had tried for years to build a strong case against the gangster, but he was slippery. He delegated the outfit’s dirty work and left his name on none of the organization’s bank records. But Herbert Hoover assumed the presidency on a law-and-order platform, and he was determined to show the government’s strength–even as the Great Depression began to drag down his administration and the nation. Hoover ordered his top cabinet officials to use all available manpower and spare no expense in going after Capone.
They settled on tax evasion almost as a last resort.
Now what if the Birthers could pull off something like that??? What if instead of all these silly suits based on 39 social security numbers, or Connecticut social security numbers, or alleged Indonesian adoptions – – – what if the Birthers had a darn near sure-fire lawsuit where they actually had legal standing, AND a legally valid reason to either see Obama’s long form birth certificate, or get him to introduce it into court.
Sooo, here is a way for the Birthers to get around all the legal logjams they have been caught up in- – – Deceptive Trade Practice Acts!!! Both the Federal government and most states provide for these kinds of actions. Here is a website with a general recap of these laws:
As the article says, there are broad restrictions on various types of conduct. One is:
Represents that goods or services have sponsorship, approval, characteristics, ingredients, uses, benefits, or qualities that they do not have or that a person has a sponsor-ship, approval, status, affiliation, or connection that he does not have.
In other words, the consumer buys something that is advertised as one thing, and actually gets something else. OH, I wonder what a Birther could buy, and then claim wasn’t what was advertised??? Hmmm. Maybe, for example, this:
The long form birth certificate image on the mug is clearly meant to be Obama’s legitimate long form birth certificate, and members of Obama’s re-election team are actively promoting that representation:
Sooo, what this would boil down to is a Birther buying the coffee mug under the assumption that the long form birth certificate on it is the real thing. (Which, I think it is, but then again, I am not a Birther and I don’t believe the Cold Case Posse. (CCP)) Then, when the mug comes in the mail, the Birther compares it to The Cold Case Posse’s report, and if it is the same document, which the CCP says is a forgery, run to see a lawyer to file a complaint. As a consumer, there is no question of standing.
Now, here is how I see this working out in court. If the Birther alleges that the image on the mug is a forgery, based on the CCP’s findings, then Obama and/or his agents will probably introduce the long form birth certificate into evidence. The short form will not work, since it is the long form image that is on the mug. That certificate can then be compared to the image.
If the Obama side does not produce a long form birth certificate, then the Cold Case Posse experts can testify that the image is phony, and help the Birther to win summary judgment. At the very least, the CCP testimony would now be relevant to the issue in court. But, assuming the Obama side introduces the long form, then two possibilities are possible:
1. If it is the same as the image on the mug, then the Birther has just made a contribution to the Obama campaign, and has a shiny new coffee mug with Obama’s picture on it as a keepsake, which he can enjoy his coffee in every morning as he peruses World Net Daily.
2. If the images are different, then the Birther becomes a hero to millions of other Birthers, and has the potential to be the lead plaintiff in a class action suit for irate Obama coffee mug owners.
Sooo, in conclusion, the Holy Grail of Birtherdom turns out to be a cup after all – – – the Obama Birth Certificate Coffee Mug. There will be a court decision, one way or the other, about the validity of the document. For the price of a coffee mug, a Birther gets to roll the dice.
I know what the Birthers are thinking. “Is the long form image real or not?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, they’ve just got to ask themselves one question: “Do I feel lucky?”
Well, do ya, Birther?
Note 1. The Image. The lower part is from the 1975 film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The upper part is a miraculous light thing that seems to accompany Holy Grail sightings.
Note 2. Lak’. A dialectical spelling of “like.” Ness refers to Eliot Ness. Thus, a word-play on the Loch Ness Monster. For fun, See Petula Clark singing, Mighty Lak’ A Rose:
Note 3. The Image Caption In Our Cups. In one’s cups is an idiom for drinking or being drunk. Wiki says:
in one’s cups
(idiomatic) Drunk; in the act of consuming alcohol liberally.
1809, Washington Irving, Knickerbocker’s History of New York, ch. 6:
[T]he natives were an honest, social race of jolly roysterers, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups.
1852, Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Blithedale Romance, ch. 21:
They grew only the more sober in their cups; there was no confused babble nor boisterous laughter. They sucked in the joyous fire of the decanters and kept it smouldering in their inmost recesses.
1906, E. W. Hornung, The Shadow of the Rope, ch. 1:
[H]ere he gambled, there he drank; and in his cups every virtue dissolved.
2006, Margaret Hawkins, “Home Alone: Blackmon photos find solitude among domestic chaos,” Chicago Sun-Times, 17 Nov., p. NC50:
The woman on the other hand is in her cups swigging from one wine glass while another stands at her elbow.
Note 4. The Easter Egg. On the other side of the coffee cup is a picture of Barack Obama. The knights are looking at the visage of Obama, or his “mug”, which is a slang term for someone’s face. Another word-play.