The Quest For The Holy Grail Of Birtherdom!!! (Or, The Lak’ Ness Monster Lawsuit)

Verily, Were We Not In Our Cups, We Would Have Seen It Sooner!!!

To date, the Birthers and Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Cold Case Posse have all come up short in getting access to Obama’s long form birth certificate. The Birthers complain the document is a forgery, and has never been introduced by either Obama or his attorneys into evidence in any court.  This is after 100 plus  Birther losses in court. Well, I think I have the answer for them! The lawsuit they can’t lose, where they will either get access to the long form or get it introduced into the record where it can be compared to the online image. And I am not joking.

First, a little background. Sometimes, you just have to think outside of the box to accomplish your goals. An example of this is Eliot Ness and Al “Scarface” Capone. As Jonathan Eig wrote, at The Huffington Post:

In 1931, when Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion and sentenced to 11 years in prison, the legendary gangster complained that he got a raw deal.

A reasonable argument can be made that Capone was punished for his long list of perceived and actual crimes, not just for his failure to pay income tax. The income-tax charge wasn’t the most precise weapon for bringing Capone to justice, but it was the quickest and surest, and the government preferred not to waste time.

[T]he prosecutor in the Capone case–the U.S. attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, George E.Q. Johnson–was among the first to hit on it: By separating Capone’s failure to pay taxes from his other crimes, he made his case almost impossible to lose. He didn’t have to prove that Capone earned his money through criminal conduct, only that he made money and failed to pay income tax.

The federal government had tried for years to build a strong case against the gangster, but he was slippery. He delegated the outfit’s dirty work and left his name on none of the organization’s bank records. But Herbert Hoover assumed the presidency on a law-and-order platform, and he was determined to show the government’s strength–even as the Great Depression began to drag down his administration and the nation. Hoover ordered his top cabinet officials to use all available manpower and spare no expense in going after Capone.

They settled on tax evasion almost as a last resort.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jonathan-eig/tax-day-2010-how-the-inco_b_538070.html

Now what if the Birthers could pull off something like that??? What if instead of all these silly suits based on 39 social security numbers, or Connecticut social security numbers, or alleged Indonesian adoptions – – – what if the Birthers had a darn near sure-fire lawsuit where they actually had legal standing, AND a legally valid reason to either see Obama’s long form birth certificate, or get him to introduce it into court.

Sooo, here is a way for the Birthers to get around all the legal logjams they have been caught up in- – – Deceptive Trade Practice Acts!!! Both the Federal government and most states provide for these kinds of actions. Here is a website with a general recap of these laws:

http://www.enotes.com/consumer-issues-reference/deceptive-trade-practices

As the article says, there are broad restrictions on various types of conduct. One is:

Represents that goods or services have sponsorship, approval, characteristics, ingredients, uses, benefits, or qualities that they do not have or that a person has a sponsor-ship, approval, status, affiliation, or connection that he does not have.

In other words, the consumer buys something that is advertised as one thing, and actually gets something else. OH, I wonder what a Birther could buy, and then claim wasn’t what was advertised??? Hmmm. Maybe, for example, this:

(Click on Image to make it larger.)

The long form birth certificate image on the mug is clearly meant to be Obama’s legitimate long form birth certificate, and members of Obama’s re-election team are actively promoting that representation:

(Click on Image to make it larger.)

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/03/obama-team-makes-light-of-latest-birth-certificate-claims/1#.T3AjYWFSStM

Sooo, what this would boil down to is a Birther buying the coffee mug under the assumption that the long form birth certificate on it is the real thing. (Which, I think it is, but then again, I am not a Birther and I don’t believe the Cold Case Posse. (CCP)) Then, when the mug comes in the mail, the  Birther compares it to The Cold Case Posse’s report, and if it is the same document, which the CCP says is a forgery, run to see a lawyer to file a complaint. As a consumer, there is no question of standing.

Now, here is how I see this working out in court. If the Birther alleges that the image on the mug is a forgery, based on the CCP’s findings, then Obama and/or his agents will probably introduce the long form birth certificate into evidence. The short form will not work, since it is the long form image that is on the mug.  That certificate can then be compared to the image.

If the Obama side does not produce a long form birth certificate, then the Cold Case Posse experts can testify that the image is phony, and help the Birther to win summary judgment.  At the very least, the CCP testimony would now be relevant to the issue in court.  But, assuming the Obama side introduces the long form, then two possibilities are possible:

1. If it is the same as the image on the mug, then the Birther has just made a contribution to the Obama campaign, and has a shiny new coffee mug with Obama’s picture on it as a keepsake, which he can enjoy his coffee in every morning as he peruses  World Net Daily.

2. If the images are different, then the Birther becomes a hero to millions of other Birthers, and has the potential to be the lead plaintiff in a class action suit for irate Obama coffee mug owners.

Sooo, in conclusion, the Holy Grail of Birtherdom turns out to be a cup after all – – – the Obama Birth Certificate Coffee Mug.  There will be a court decision, one way or the other, about the validity of the document. For the price of a coffee mug, a Birther gets to roll the dice.

I know what the Birthers are thinking. “Is the long form image real or not?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, they’ve just got to ask themselves one question: “Do I feel lucky?”

Well, do ya, Birther?

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1. The Image. The lower part is from the 1975 film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The upper part is a miraculous light thing that seems to accompany Holy Grail sightings.

Note 2. Lak’. A dialectical spelling of “like.”  Ness refers to Eliot Ness.  Thus, a word-play on the Loch Ness Monster.  For fun, See Petula Clark singing, Mighty Lak’ A Rose:

Note 3. The Image Caption In Our Cups. In one’s cups is an idiom for drinking or being drunk. Wiki says:

Adjective

in one’s cups

(idiomatic) Drunk; in the act of consuming alcohol liberally.

1809, Washington Irving, Knickerbocker’s History of New York, ch. 6:

[T]he natives were an honest, social race of jolly roysterers, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups.

1852, Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Blithedale Romance, ch. 21:

They grew only the more sober in their cups; there was no confused babble nor boisterous laughter. They sucked in the joyous fire of the decanters and kept it smouldering in their inmost recesses.

1906, E. W. Hornung, The Shadow of the Rope, ch. 1:

[H]ere he gambled, there he drank; and in his cups every virtue dissolved.

2006, Margaret Hawkins, “Home Alone: Blackmon photos find solitude among domestic chaos,” Chicago Sun-Times, 17 Nov., p. NC50:

The woman on the other hand is in her cups swigging from one wine glass while another stands at her elbow.

Note 4. The Easter Egg. On the other side of the coffee cup is a picture of Barack Obama. The knights are looking at the visage of Obama, or his “mug”, which is a slang term for someone’s face. Another word-play.

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About Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

Hi!!! I am a Girl Reporter on the Internet. I am 31. Plus I am a INTP. I have a Major in Human Kinetics, and a Minor in English. I have 2 cats, and a new kitten! I write poetry, and plus I am trying to learn how to play guitar. I think that is all??? Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter View all posts by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

27 responses to “The Quest For The Holy Grail Of Birtherdom!!! (Or, The Lak’ Ness Monster Lawsuit)

  • Monkey Boy

    Nope…not a valid actionable tort, Squeeks.

    The cup is being sold as a novelty item, and makes no claim as being valid.

    When I was a boy in SC, we would get all the catalogs featuring stuff like:
    High John the Conqueror root which would give possessor power over his enemies. In the small print would be a disclaimer that the item was being offered as a novelty only.

  • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

    AH, but there is no such disclaimer here. Plus, members of Obama’s team are representing the image as real.

    Two lawyers now think it will work.

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  • Monkey Boy

    No disclaimer is necessary. since the seller is making no specific claim like: This is proof….

    Also, it’s easy to present evidence that the general perception is that this is a novelty item offered to tweak birfer noses.

  • Monkey Boy

    If i offer keychain fob with a 1/4 replica of a dollar bill, I don’t believe I can be successfully prosecuted for counterfeiting since I don’t make any claims that this is currency, and that the general perception is that this is a novelty item and not currency.

    Of course, I wouldn’t be responsible for a total idiot attempting buy a pack of gum or newspaper with it. Just like the mug seller is not responsible for a fool attempting to analyse the image on the mug in order to ascertain its authenticity.

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Well, some of that could be sorted out in court. But, you have this:

      “As an Arizona sheriff held a news conference claiming evidence that the birth certificate released in April is a fake, Obama campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt tweeted out what he called a “live feed” of the presentation — which turned out to be a clip of the theme song from the old science fiction series The X Files.

      LaBolt also told Twitter followers “birth certificate available here” — and linked to an ad for an Obama coffee mug with the birth certificate emblazoned on it.”

      Plus, the image has been presented as true at the White House, and you have a money trail between the cups and White House. Sooo, I am betting a Birther could run with it. Nothing else they have tried has worked.

      Plus, to survive summary judgment, the court has to presume the plead facts are true. I think the real question is, which Birther will be the first to try this. What have they got to lose???

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

      • Monkey Boy

        The image that is presented as true is the image on the whitehouse.gov site, and state officials have already verified that as a true representation of the issued document.

        A successful suit could at best hope to get Hawaii to attest the validity an image in the standard way. FF& C.

    • Monkey Boy

      Also, even if the suit would be successful, the only thing that plaintiffs would see is a standard Hawaiian BC (i.e., the short form).

      The image is not a standard birth certification, and the courts would likely rule that the plaintiffs is only entitled to be assured the image is a valid representation of birth records. Verification in the form of a standard birth certification should satisfy that.

      • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

        BUT, the Birther consumer is buying a supposedly-valid copy of the long form. The issue isn’t whether or not Obama was born in Hawaii, but whether or not they have bought a real copy of the long form.

        This would work for them.

        Squeeky Fromm
        Girl Reporter

        • Monkey Boy

          The issue isn’t whether or not Obama was born in Hawaii, but whether or not they have bought a real copy of the long form.

          Interesting, but…as I see it, the image is offered as a true copy of what the White House has in its possession and that would be all that the plaintiffs would be entitled verify.

          Not a biggie, just pop around to 1600.

  • bovril1a

    Sorry Squeeks, whilst I am certain that muppets such as Mad Old Orly may think this has legs where is the deceptive practice?

    The mug is a mug and what is or is not printed on it is wholly irrelevant. it is NOT a legal document nor does it purport to be one.

    Let us suppose for a moment that an individual receives a mug where the transfer print of the BC is smudged during maufacturing. Does that give the individual any other rights of redress other than at most a refund or a replacement?

    The answer as well you know is…..well no. There has been no loss, there is no deception on the part of the seller, the owner has no injury in fact.

    In fact it could be argued by the seller that as this specific collectable is a probably unque item due to the flaw (think stamps) then it’s inherent value of worth is greater than the non smudged version. So where is the loss to the owner?

    But more power to you if MOO and the rest of the cud chewing prats in the fetid pastures of Birferstan want to make themsleves look even more stupid (if possible) than they already are.

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Hi Bovril!!!

      I think the image is real, so what do I care??? But the Birthers believe the idiots like Jerome “Jerry” Corsi and the Cold Case Posse. Sooo, why shouldn’t they contribute $22.50 to the campaign and then run with this???

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

      • Monkey Boy

        Because, Squeeks, motivating these fools would cost us (the taxpayers) thousands of dollars in wasted court time that could have been put to better use.

        Not to mention, all the trees that would be saved.

        • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

          Well, first you have to have a Birther with $22.50 to spare. So that whittles the field down some.

          And on the bright side for them, even if they lose in court, the Birthers do still have a coffee mug. Have they ever walked away from court with that much before???

          Squeeky Fromm
          Girl Reporter

  • kwdavids

    Thanks for the Petula Clark video.

    I think, though, that even if someone pressed the case, all they could hope to obtain would be a refund.

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Hi kwdavids!!!

      Well, like I said:

      1. If it is the same as the image on the mug, then the Birther has just made a contribution to the Obama campaign, and has a shiny new coffee mug with Obama’s picture on it as a keepsake, which he can enjoy his coffee in every morning as he peruses World Net Daily.

      I am glad you liked the video.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

    • Monkey Boy

      You are absolutely right; an offer to return the purchase price would kill the suit.

      But, assuming that no refund will be offered, the purchaser would first have to get by novelty only defense. If the mug is offered as a novelty item without any specific claims, that should also drive the proverbial wooden stake through the heart of the suit.

      If both of those hurdles are overcome, such a suit would have nothing to do with Hawaii or its records, since the State is not offering the item, and the Obama campaign did not have access to HDOH records to reproduce; it could only offer a reproduction of what it has in its possession–a certification of excerpts from those records.

  • Monkey Boy

    Phew! I didn’t realize the amount of tedious work involved with being a shyster; no wonder Orly gave up trying to master the craft.

    It takes some work to try to war-game every feasible eventuality.

  • Monkey Boy

    Lets do some hypothesizing, Squeeks.

    I am visiting Austin in my restored XK etype (fire engine red and bechromed) and go to Antone’s to hear Marsha Ball. Naturally, I am anxious not to have my chariot scratched, so I take two parking spots by parking cater-corner.

    By chance, you are also patronizing the same establishment with your Hyundai. You pull into the parking lot and get annoyed that I am taking two spots near the entrance. In a fit of pique (now, that’s really supposing, since we know that Squeeky NEVER has anger management problems), you back into my car and cave in the driver’s door.

    You don’t want to foot the bill for some expensive repairs, so you claim since I am not parked in an authorized slot, my negligence is contributory and it should, therefore, be a wash.

    I don’t want to risk the discretionary judgement of a local Magistrate, since I am from out of town and a “furriner.” You look underage and I think that you have fake ID, so I sue you claiming that you have a bogus driver’s licence. I subpoena the Texas agency responsible for issuing licences, to inspect their records in order to determine if you licence is valid.

    Texas would say: “No, no,…you don’t get to see jack squat. We will TELL you if we issued a license to someone.”

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Well, if this had happened a few years ago when I was 16, until I was about 21, I really did have a fake license and fake student ID cards. But I think where you are going on this is, can you get them to cough up my license for you. Probably not.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

  • Monkey Boy

    oops, substitute “two parking spots” for “to parking spots” above.

    You engage birfers enough, and you’ll get dumbed down.

  • Monkey Boy

    BTW, are you located near San Antonio?

    See what I mean about personal questions?

  • ehancock

    One way that birthers could get access to Obama’s long form birth certificate is to LIBEL the officials in Hawaii by stating that the long form does not exist (which is exactly what the posse has done, by the way). The claim that someone is lying is a libel, unless it is true.

    Then the birthers would have to make a binding legal deal that they would not use New York Times vs Sullivan as a defense but only would use the truth as a defense.

    Then the court would have to accept Obama’s long form birth certificate as either proof that the birthers were right or proof that the officials in Hawaii were not lying. Either side could introduce the official copy of the long form into evidence, having gotten it from the White House, where it is. (The document in the files is not the official copy since it lacks the official seal).

    The court could then order impartial (not WND) document experts to examine it. The result? Birthers would lose again, and this time they would lose money–perhaps a lot of it.

  • Reality Check

    Squeeky

    While I think your plan to get Birthers to buy Obama coffee mugs is laudable (and lord knows they have fallen for a lot more stupid stuff than this) I think the net result is that they will end up with an attractive coffee mug. Actually they will be out the price of the mug plus the $375 Federal filing fee. Sanctions for their attorney would be a bonus. I encourage them to take your advice. I hope Mark Gillar is at the front of the line with Zullo at Corsi’s rear.

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      RC:

      I think that Corsi is usually at Zullo’s rear, isn’t he???

      But like I said above:

      1. If it is the same as the image on the mug, then the Birther has just made a contribution to the Obama campaign, and has a shiny new coffee mug with Obama’s picture on it as a keepsake, which he can enjoy his coffee in every morning as he peruses World Net Daily.

      2. If the images are different, then the Birther becomes a hero to millions of other Birthers, and has the potential to be the lead plaintiff in a class action suit for irate Obama coffee mug owners.

      I know what the Birthers are thinking. “Is the long form image real or not?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, they’ve just got to ask themselves one question: “Do I feel lucky?”

      Well, do ya, Birther?

      Sometimes, you just have to think out of the box.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

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