My confidential Birther source smuggled out this latest addition to The Birther Bible. He/she/it tells me that the Birthers are beginning to feel uncomfortable with the fact that they have spent four years searching for the Smoking Gun on Obama, and have come up empty-handed. The two citizen parents Birthers aren’t doing too well, either. Apparently, both groups feel they need some sort of revelation to break things open for them. Here is the latest UPDATE to The Birther Bible:
The Book of Revelations
1. Lo, in the Fourth Year of The Great Struggle against The Usurper and the Anti-Vattelites, didst the faithful grow restless, and cry out for Revelation lamenting;
2. Where art the Wise Judges who will casteth out The Usurper and bring judgment to the Anti-Vattelites?
3. For it has been nigh unto four years, and at every turn the Judges doth reprove our teachings, and we are sent packing;
4. The Anti-Vattelites nameth us like unto the madmen who doth continually butteth their heads against walls of stone.
5. And verily, we are confounded, and our heads are painful to the touch thereof.
6. And what have we in the ways of proofs and parchments that we might cause others to believe? We haveth not even parchments from some other Kingdom which claimeth The Usurper as their own.
7. Thus, the Anti-Vattelites mock us saying, “Bringeth forth that which thou hast in the way of proof, and put it before all the people to see.”
8. So they dareth us, and when we canst not bringeth forth any such parchment, they mock us, saying in the manner of derision;
9. “Fools, you believeth not thine own lying eyes, for is not the truth with us, who boldly mete out our parchment, placing images thereof even upon lowly drinking vessels, which are sold for profit?”
10. Also they sayeth unto us, “Hast thou only the sound of thine own words?”;
11. “For verily thy parchments are old, and hoary with age, and pertaineth not to matters at hand, while we Anti-Vattelites have new parchments which do pertaineth, which we lay proudly before the Judges.”
12. All of this stingeth like a nest of hornets, and it is ever more difficult to keepeth our faces straight when we speaketh; for of a truth, wherever we seeketh respite, we are sent packing.
13. Therefore maketh unto us a Revelation, and give us mighty parchments, so that we might do equal battle with the Anti-Vattelites.
1. Then didst a teacher, learned in the ways of The Great Struggle, speaketh; and these are the words that he spake;
2. “Be comforted, for in the far distance is a Great Beast, and the name of the Great Beast is Polycras.”
3. “And on the back of Polycras is a box made of gold, and inside the box of gold is a Great Revelation and many new parchments.”
4. And the faithful stared one at the other in confusion, and mumbled asking, “Didst we receiveth an answer to our prayers or not, for we knoweth not of this Polycras???”
5. Then some said that Polycras needs must be the elephant, and others the ass, and others still the porcupine, which doth prick the careless with many spindles.
6. And the teacher spake unto them saying, “Nay, Polycras is the Beast of Many Tomorrows, and like unto a Giant Tortoise”;
7. “But one day Polycras will arriveth, for sure and steady is his gait, and the things which interesteth him art few in number.”
8. And the faithful were comforted, for yea on s0me distant morrow, a Revelation would cometh, and many new parchments, though none kneweth the day or hour.
9. And they went forward into the land, girded now with great confidences, seeking out the Judges, and sure that this time they wouldst not be sent packing.