The Book Of The Apuzzites (Update To The Birther Bible)

Happily, The Graven Image Turned Out To Be Genuine

Well, my confidential Birther source is risking his hide smuggling out these additions to The Birther Bible. He or she tells me that things are not going well in Birther Land, and more of them are turning to The Birther Bible for consolation. The Book of the Apuzzites was actually the very first of their holy books, but was kept in The Birther Inner Sanctum so that only The Birther High Priests had access to it. But some acolyte accidentally attached it, upside down, to a filing and seventeen copies of the book made it to The Birther Outer Sanctum, and from there to here. The Book of the Apuzzites has been placed in its rightful place here, in The Birther Bible:

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

The Book of the Apuzzites

Chapter 1

1. And this is the story of the Apuzzites, and the story of their beginning.

2. In the first days of the Usurper, there arose a scribe by the name of Apuzzariah, who spake, saying:

3. “Lo, this land is saddled with a Usurper, for he is not of this Kingdom, for his father cameth from the Land of the Ebonites, and tarried but a brief time in our tents;”

4. “Yea, even though he speaketh our tongue, and weareth our dress, he is not of us, and he must go.”

5. “Yea, even though he dwelt amongst us since the days of his youth, and  taken a wife from among our people, he is not of us, and he must go.”

6. “Yea, though he counseled with us within the Holy Places of The Law, still he is not of us, and he must go.”

7. Then didst Apuzzariah meet with others of like mind, and they counseled amongst themselves saying, “How shouldst we rid ourselves of this Usurper, for his father was of the Ebonites, and he is not one of us, and he must go.”

8. For the Usurper had been chosen in accordance with the Law, and the Chiefs and High Priests and Judges didst vouchsafe him, making him secure in his palace.

9. Then Apuzzariah, being learned in the Law, counseled them saying, “I haveth a plan!”

Chapter 2.

1. And these are the words that Apuzzariah spake:

2. “Let us say, with one voice, that the Usurper hath not been chosen in accordance with the Law, but that the Law is some other thing, which permits not the issue of the Ebonites to serve in high places, nor the issue of any other people.”

3. But his voice was shouted down, and many spake against him saying, “Thy words will never flyeth, for they were not uttered during the time of choosing, not even by those against whom the Usurper contended.”

4. And in like manner they also spaketh, saying, “Thy words haveth a foul odor unto them, for who among us changes the rules of some sport after the game is ended, and the winner crowned???”

5. Then they counseled with Apuzzariah and said, “Better it is to continue telling that the Usurper wast not born amongst the tents of our people, but amongst the tents of the Ebonites, where his mother didst travel, heavy with child.”

6. “For already have we spoken these things, and there is some ear among the people for the words.”

7. And others did chime in, saying “These are words of great wisdom, for if we speak this new thing, the people will believe us not, and say unto us, “Thou are not speaking words of truth, for thou art attempting to change thy boat in mid water, only to sail off in some new direction.”

8. And still others did put in their own two pence of counsel, saying “During the time of choosing, my words were never of this Law, but only of the Usurper being born among the tents of the Ebonites. And shouldst my words change now to this new thing, I shall be mocked, and the people will say unto me;”

9. “What, didst thou know not of this Law when last thou spake unto us? Didst thou forget this law? For all knew his father was of the Ebonites. Why didst thou not speak then?”

10. Or mock us, saying, “Art thou only now learning of this, for the first time? If thy learning is this new, then why shouldst we believe anything thou speaks? Could it be that thou wishes only to obtain the thing desired, and will say anything in furtherance thereof?”

11. But Apuzzariah held firm against them and was not deterred, saying unto them, “Heareth my plan!”

Chapter 3.

1. And these are the words that Apuzzariah spake unto them, saying;

2. “Lo, many years have I toiled as a scribe, and many strange devices observed.”

3. “And there is a thing which occures as surely as the cock doth crow upon the sunrise; that when many parchments are gathered together at one time to be laid before a judge, all doth pay less heed to them. Even unto the judge, and all the scribes, on account of the great weight and number of the parchments.”

4. “For where there are many such parchments, none really knows what is contained within, for all but have the same thought; to be done hurriedly with this work, lest one’s eyes be ruined in the reading thereof, and one’s mind overfilled with the words therein.”

5. “Yet, where all doeth this thing, none will admitt thereof, for shame of being named slothful or unlearned.”

6. “Therefore let this be our plan, that where one word wouldst suffice, we shall provide a thousand, and where one parchment wouldst hold all that is necessary, we shall provide a thousandfold.”

7. “Then, when one says unto us, in the manner afore spoken, “What, didst thou know not of this Law when last thou spake unto us? Didst thou forget this law?””;

8. Then shalt we say unto him, “What? Hast thou not read the four score and third parchment provided unto you amidst all the others? For this is a difficult teaching, and much study is necessary for the understanding thereof.”

9. “And then he will think in his heart, “I have read not that parchment, nor the afore going four score and two parchments, nor either the ones after, for lo, I fear danger unto my eyes and unto my head to be over filled with the words thereupon.””

10. “Yet, he will not speak aloud this thought, for shame that he be deemed slothful or unlearned, and he will but slink away, saying nothing in reply.”

11. “Thus we haveth the manner to overcome the protestations afore spoken.”

Chapter 4.

1. Then those gathered with Apuzzariah questioned him further, saying;

2. “What of the judges, for they know the law, and know that the number of parchments changes not the law?”

3. Then Apuzzariah answered, saying unto them, “What matters it to us what the judge says, for we present such a great confusion, that the people will agree with us for fear of having to study the large numbers of parchments for themselves.”

4. Then shalt they cry out for new judges, who understand the mysteries thought hidden in the parchments, yet which exists not.

5. Then another asked of Apuzzariah, “Will not the great numbers of parchments require many asses to carry them unto the judges, to be laid before them?”

6. The Apuzzariah answered, saying unto him, “Asses are plentiful, and new ones born each day; and we shall ask of those who hate the Usurper to lend unto us their asses, or to carry parchments on their own backs to the judges, to be laid before them.

7. And Apuzzariah spake further, saying unto them, “Fear not the lack of asses, or what words thou hast already spoken, and go along with mine endeavor.”

8. Then another one gathered there asked of Apuzzariah, “But who among us shalt prepare this mighty number of parchments, for even were we to list all the laws of the land, they wouldst not cover so great a number of parchments as thou contemplates?

9. And Apuzzariah replied, saying ” Verily, I say unto you, worry not, for I have this problem well in hand.”

10. “For unto our laws, shalt I also add the laws of other lands, as if they were our own, for truly do the laws of each land bear a passing similarity to each other.”

11. “And if there art no laws which say that which I desireth, I shall make up the words, for who among the people can read the tongues of other lands?”

12. Then those gathered with Appuzariah marveled at his wisdom, and praised him saying, “Great is Appuzariah, and great the numbers of parchments he shall lay before the judges!”

13. And they named themselves Appuzites, to honor him, and set out across the land to spread his many words.

About Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

I am a Girl Reporter on the Internet. I am 36 Plus I am a INTP. I have a Major in Human Kinetics, and a Minor in English. Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter View all posts by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

22 responses to “The Book Of The Apuzzites (Update To The Birther Bible)

  • G


    As great as the Birther Bible has been so far, I must say, this new Book of the Apuzzites is a masterpiece! Spot on in soooo many clever ways! KUDOS.

    It is hard to choose a favorite Chapter & Verse, as they all capture the essence of what has been going on soooo well. But 3:4-6 might be a standout, if I had to choose, or what is currently 4:5

    I say “currently”, because that brings me to the one small correction for you to make – you have two 4:4 at the moment. So some minor renumbering is needed…which will result in Chapter 4 having 13 verses…an appropriately unlucky number to represent the Apuzzites “luck” with success in front of the courts (or even any forum of public opinion outside of their own Cult for that matter). 😉

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter


      Ooops! Thanks for pointing out the “mis-translation” numbering error. I am glad you liked it, and I hoped you got some good laughs from it. Personally, I liked the “porcupine” line from the Birther Book of Revelations, and I giggle every time I read it. I can just see some stupid Birthers saying that.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

      • G

        Ah yes, that “porcupine” line is a true gem!!! I’ve enjoyed (and LMAO) the entire Birther Bible experience so far… I’m sure the future will unearth many more scrolls… 😉

        • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

          My source has been teasing me with one line from another of the books, he/she’s holding back:

          Lo, but thou didst plucketh thy words from thine own hindquarters.

          Sadistic damn double-agents!!! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

          Squeeky Fromm
          Girl Reporter

      • Richard

        Numbering error? Nothing such, it’s still too much an improvement over the Rules seteth as of OrlyLaw.

  • Monkey Boy


    You have been had again! You have received an abridged copy of chapter 1. Evidently, the slothful scribe wanted to finish early an attend that day’s camel races. So, he excised several verses following 1:6.

    7. Thus came one of them amongst the rabble that crieth out: “thou speaketh just so, for even as the Ebonites have long dwelleth among us as drawers of water and hewers of wood, and their raiment,save for dreadlocks, is no longer strange, it is an abomination that one of them should Lord over us.”

    8. And another amongst the rabble crieth out: “Verily, many others amongst them shall forgetteth their places and afflict us greatly with even more rap music and flash mobs, and trouble us for much treasure for ancient toil, still unpaid.”

    9. Yet, still another addeth: “Yea, tho the Ebonites have, of late, even taken our sons and daughters in marriage and concubinage. How many of you lusteth for Kim Kardarshian, who is comely and is given over to Ebonites, and even committeth unspeakable acts with them.

    10. Shall not these plagues be multiplied greatly if an Ebonite sitteth still as Judge and Ruler over us?”

    11. And a great murmur arose amongst them concerning the Usurper and Ebonites.

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Hi MonkeyB!!!

      ROTFLMAO!!! Isn’t this kind of stuff fun??? I love this one:

      7. Thus came one of them amongst the rabble that crieth out: “thou speaketh just so, for even as the Ebonites have long dwelleth among us as drawers of water and hewers of wood, and their raiment,save for dreadlocks, is no longer strange, it is an abomination that one of them should Lord over us.”

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

  • realist


    A masterpice, Squeeky.

  • Richard

    I hope the Appuzites have sufficent supply of near dead horses to gather the hides thousendfold 🙂

  • Sam the Centipede

    With a hint of grumpiness: Squeeky, if you are parodying the English of the Authorized Version of the Bible (a.k.a. the King James Version), please, please make some effort to get your verb conjugations right!

    Simplifying wildly: the -st/-est form is for “thou”, which is always singular nominative “you”. The -th/-eth form is for he/she/it. With other persons (I, you, we, they), and with the infinitive and participle forms, leave the poor verb alone or just use old-fashioned forms when you know them (like “spake”, that’s good).

    Like “…the Ebonites have long dwelleth” … reading that makes me eyes hurt! You could use “dwelled” or “dwelt”; both would be correct, and surely “dwelt” has exactly the archaic sound you want. But “dwelleth” only fits a singular third person (he/she) subject, and never works as a participle.

    Sorry, but your random sprinking of shitted up “-st” and “-th” verb forms reads horribly to me and give the impression that the writer has (or hath) a tin ear for the rhythms of language. Which surprises me, given your enthusiasm for so many artilicious things.

    I fear that you are as skilled at Middle English as Orly Taitz is at court procedure, as Mario Apuzzo is at constitutional law, and David Farrar is at legal reasoning.

    My suggestion: take a few minutes to pour a glass of wine and read a few pages of the Old Testament leisurely, and I think the rhythms will come into your mind. (But remember the stories therein are as true as birther lore!)

    • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

      Hi Sam The C!!!

      Thank you for the critique and advice! But I fear much of the problems in translation from the Original Birtherite occur after 3 or 4 glasses of Franzia White Zinfadel Wine have already been consumed. At which time, the Poor Translator is having problems remembering even the Thy Consonant and Thou Vowel stuff. Or something like that???

      Some day, I am going to tackle a language clean-up of the whole darn Birther Bible while sober. Which I freely admit and agree is needed. But, you have to give me some Brownie Points for the “Polycras” stuff in The Book of Revelations! That was pretty deep for a half-snockered Squeeky.

      Squeeky Fromm
      Girl Reporter

    • RoadScholar

      I have stopped myself a half-dozen times from spanking Squeeky (metaphorically) for the less-than-stellar Biblical verb forms, as they never really cheesed my grits. But now that you’ve done so, I can’t help pointing out that Jacobean Biblical language is hardly Middle English. It would seem to be firmly Early Modern English, especially since the King James project arguably incorporated the metrical music and painterly structure so finely tuned by the Bard.

      • Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

        Hi RoadScholar:

        Oh, I don’t mind it when people point out where I screw up. I don’t have any ego about stuff like that. I guess I will just have to go through this and change up some “eths” and stuff.

        On some of the earlier books, I have gone back later and altered them up (forged) when I had the time. I would not be offended at all if people put chapter and verse and mistake in the comments to make that process easier. (Hinteth)

        I want the stuff to have a slightly “clunky” lingual feel, but I don’t want to over doeth it.

        Squeeky Fromm
        Girl Reporter

  • Reality Check

    The mouse-over text is spot on. Enjoyed the addition to the Birther Bible.

  • Reality Check

    You left out this verse: “And Apuzzariah went forth and spreadeth great mounds of the dung of oxen upon the River Amazon.”

  • Plutodog

    Another fan on the Birfer Bible. Linkie for my friend, rikker on that Squeeky Mario discussion thread?

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