Why Birthers Would Make Lousy Spies!!! (Or, Testing Some Avvocato Dip. . .)


After Mastering The Use Of A Garret, Mario Was Confident That He Was Ready For Lesson #2 At Taft’s Online Spy University!

There are several personality traits and mental attitudes which make a good spy. It goes without saying that a spy must be intelligent, and able to gather truthful and useful facts to develop accurate intelligence information.  Of course, problems with basic cognitive functioning would cause many Birthers to stumble out of the gate. For example, what would a foreign spy agency do with an Agent Butterdezillion report? Can you imagine Colonel Sergei, in Moscow, getting this from her:

Sorry I am late with this report. No matter how many times I clicked  “File” on the computer word processor, the file cabinet wouldn’t open. Finally, I had to manually pull the drawer open and take out the contact information. Then, when I clicked on “Save”, it was the same thing. The file folder just sat there on my desk and I had to manually put it back in the file cabinet and close it up. We need to get new computers, or maybe the Americans have hacked my desk???

Anyway, I took pictures of Professor Smith’s papers at his office. I gave him the cookies that I dosed with some of those little blue From Los Angeles Airport pills you gave me.  They didn’t work right. Instead of going to sleep, or going back to the airport, he just ran off to bathroom hollering and cussing like a crazy person a couple of times. Every time he ran to the bathroom, I photographed some more stuff out of his desk.

Great news!!! The missile test was a complete flop. The report said that the test was a success and the warhead impacted with the target at 22,000 feet.  So, I checked the airport and there was no missile flight schedule on file. Good thing that I am so thorough! So, I got to thinking was this a valid or invalid missile test??? If it wasn’t on file with the airport, it had to be an INVALID missile test, and the only reason that Professor Smith would say that it had impacted at 22,000 feet would be if that was horizontal feet not vertical feet!  A VALID missile test would go up in the sky somewhere. Because in the City Municipal Code, there has to be record for anything that goes over 1,000 feet high, even it is a balloon or bottle rocket. So this was a successful invalid test.

Therefore, the invalid missile must have gone about 4 miles (22,000 feet divided by 5,280 feet per mile) along the ground and hit the target before it ever took off! Because, he never said that it hit the target ON SCHEDULE, therefore it must have been before the target took off, or after it landed, but there is no record at the airport of any targets landing. This is indirect confirmation that the missile is not really a missile after all, but some kind of gun that they have to get within 4 miles of any of our planes to hit. All we have to do is plant some trees around our airbases, for the warhead to hit first, and the Americans are screwed!

Well, maybe using Butterdezillion as an example was a bit of a stretch.  Obviously she would never get past the written part of the spy exam, becoming paranoid about every question, and trying to pick out what part of the questions was some kind of trick. But maybe you are wondering why you should take my word about any of this spy stuff?  Well first, if you look at Note 3. below, British Intelligence wants me to apply for a job with them because I did sooo good on their online test! That has to be worth something.

Second, how about we perform a more realistic thought experiment, by using a Birther lawyer as the spy. To avoid using any real persons,  the spy will simply be known as the Avvocato, which is the Italian word for lawyer. I got this idea from an episode of Vegas, where the cops thought the bag man was nicknamed the Avocado, only to figure out later it was the lawyer, the Avvocato. Credit where credit is due.

So, two scenarios, in the form of dialogue:

Scenario 1: Basic Intelligence Gathering

Feb. 2006, From Col. Sergei: We need you to research Sen. Barack Obama. Inside report says he will make presidential run.

Mar. 2006, From Avvocato: He will be unable to run. He is not a natural born citizen. Not two citizen parents. His father was African. He may be Kenyan born, also.

June 2006 From Col.Sergei: Definite Obama is entertaining presidential campaign. Should we deploy operatives into his campaign?

July 2006, From Avvocato: No need to. He is ineligible for the office. Must be born inside United States to two citizen parents.

August 2006, From Col. Sergei: Are you certain. Secondary asset indicates he is natural born citizen.

September 2006, From Avvocato: Positive. See Emer de Vattel, Law of Nations. See US Supreme Court case, Minor v. Happersett. Don’t worry, I got your back on this one!

I submit the statements above clearly demonstrate how Avvocato would respond. As a Birther, he would have been unable to provide an honest assessment of the situation, even after receiving contrary assessment from secondary source. The report from a non-impaired agent would have read something like this:

If born inside United States, 99% chance he qualifies as natural born citizen. Great weight of legal authority holds person born inside US to parents other than diplomats or invading soldiers is natural born. See 1898 US Supreme Court Case, Wong Kim Ark. Additionally, subject was citizen at birth and not required to go through naturalization process. Suggest deploy operatives.

Now, lets try a second scenario where an operative is employed in field work, and must respond to a dynamic and changing landscape:

Scenario 2. Field Work

March 2009, From Col. Sergei: Decided this end to disrupt Presidency any means possible. Can you mount credible  legal action?

March 2009, From Avvocato: Affirmative. I have useful idiot ex-naval officer for client. Will file eligibility law suit.

April 2009, From Col. Sergei: Reports indicate federal district court threw out your claim. Should we continue this operation or change course?

April 2009, From Avvocato: Judge is crooked. Have appealed to higher Federal court. Expect success.

June 2009, From Col. Sergei: Reports indicate federal appeals court rejected your suit. Russia not made out of money. Should we redeploy assets and efforts?

June 2009, From Avocato: My legal opinion is correct. Will eventually prevail Appealing to US Supreme Court.

September 2009, Fromn Col. Sergei: I am catching heat this end. Reports indicate you are laughing stock among peers. Do we need to abort? Plus, what means frivolous when judge says it???

September 2009, From Avvocato: No, recommend continue course. Case in Indiana state court on appeal, and will go our way.

December 2009, From Col. Sergei: Reports indicate Indiana appeals court shoots down claims, based on US Supreme Court case.  Prepare to abort operation.

January 2010, From Avvocato: No, must continue. Have got them where we want them. Need extra funds for sanctions, please.

February 2010, From Sergei: Reports indicate your useful idiot is taking out full page ads, and putting flyers on cars in parking lots. Can you control him? Need progress.

March 2010, From Avvocato: No luck supreme court. Am preparing 200 page brief and will put online. Do you want copy to read?

March 2010, From Col. Sergei: Uh, can I pass on reading that report? The Life of Lenin is only 119 pages, and I am stuck on that. Will take your word brief is good.

April 2010, From Avvocato: 200 page brief finished! Have ordered 50 bound copies for headquarters staff and higher ups! This will re-assure them!

May 2010, From Col. Dimitri: Col. Sergei suffered a heart attack. I am your new handler.  I Read your brief. Your Burn Notice is attached.

Once again, I submit this is exactly how a Birther operative would proceed. Mentally healthy spies would take notice of failures, and try something new.  The point of a successful operation is to achieve the desired result, not pamper the ego of the operative. It is essential that new information be input into the operational matrix. Here, Avvocato was unable to adapt to the input in the form of repeated courtroom losses, and the rejection by his peers. Rather than operating in the real world, Avvocato was stuck in his own reality.

Birthers simply lack the mental wherewithal to gather accurate and germane intelligence information. They also lack the ability to adjust to a changing environment and learn from their own mistakes.  I hope this provides useful information to the Spy Agencies of The World. Do not hire Birthers!!!

Plus, if anybody at these agencies has a record of my phone calls with the youthfully indiscreet pictures of me wearing a Franzia Wine Box hat and nothing else, I hope they will find it in their hearts to delete them.

Thank You!!!

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1. The Image: This is Carl Spitzweg’s The Poor Poet. Wiki says, in part:

Carl Spitzweg (February 5, 1808 – September 23, 1885) was a German romanticist painter and poet. He is considered to be one of the most important artists of the Biedermeier era.

He was born in Unterpfaffenhofen as the second of three sons of Franziska and Simon Spitzweg. His father, a wealthy merchant, had Carl trained as a pharmacist. He attained his qualification from the University of Munich, but while recovering from an illness he also took up painting. Spitzweg was self-taught as an artist, and began by copying the works of Flemish masters. He contributed his first work to satiric magazines. Upon receiving an inheritance in 1833, he was able to dedicate himself to painting.

Later, Spitzweg visited European art centers, studying the works of various artists and refining his technique and style; he visited Prague, Venice, Paris, London, and Belgium. His later paintings and drawings are often humorous genre works. Many of his paintings depict sharply characterized eccentrics, for example The Bookworm (1850) and The Hypochondriac (c. 1865, in the Neue Pinakothek, Munich).

Here is the link, which you may enjoy visiting because of several other unique works you can find there:


Note 2. The Image Caption, and Garrotes. For those who may be ESL, the caption is a word play on the words garret and garrote. A garrot is a weapon frequently used in literature by spies and assassins.  As Wiki describes it:

The garrote has been used for centuries as a means of silent assassination. It was widely employed in 17th and 18th century India as an assassination device, particularly by the Thuggee cult. Practitioners used a yellow silk or cloth scarf called a rumāl. A garrote can be made out of many different materials, including ropes, cable ties, fishing lines, nylon, guitar strings, telephone cord or piano wire. The Indian version of the garrote frequently incorporates a knot at the center intended to aid in crushing the larynx while applying pressure to the victim’s back, usually by means of a foot or knee.

A stick may be used to tighten the garrote (the Spanish word actually refers to the stick itself) so it is a pars pro toto where the eponymous component may actually be absent. In Spanish, the term may also refer to a rope and stick used to constrict a limb as a torture device.

Since World War II the garrote has been regularly employed as a weapon by soldiers as a silent means of eliminating sentries and other enemy personnel. Instruction in the use of purpose-built and improvised garrottes is included in the training of many elite military units and special forces. A typical military garrote consists of two wooden handles attached to a length of flexible wire; the wire is looped over a sentry’s head and pulled taut in one motion. Soldiers of the French Foreign Legion have used a particular type of double-loop garrote (referred to as la loupe), where a double coil of rope or cord is dropped around a victim’s neck and then pulled taut. Even if the victim pulls on one of the coils, he only succeeds in tightening the other.

If you like reading about grim stuff like that, there is more at the wiki link:


Your average garret, on the other hand, is a:

A top-floor or attic room, esp. a small dismal one (traditionally inhabited by an artist).

They are usually pretty safe, unless you are a woman, and some guy wants to take you back to his. . .

Note 3. The Intelligence Officer Test: Here is an online test given by the British MI5 Security Services:


I took it, and did just fine. It sure would be fun to be a Double-Naught Spy, and dress up like Emma Peel and stuff!  But I am an American, so I guess I will just go on being a Girl Reporter.


Note 4. For ESL’s Avvocato Dip is a word play on avocado dip, a dip being both a rather goofy individual, and something you can scoop a potato chip into.

Note 5. Disclaimer. Any resemblance between The Avvocato and any Italian-American Birther attorney from New Jersey who has a ex-naval officer client is purely coincidental.


About Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

Hi!!! I am a Girl Reporter on the Internet. I am 34. Plus I am a INTP. I have a Major in Human Kinetics, and a Minor in English. I have 2 cats, and a new kitten! I write poetry, and plus I am trying to learn how to play guitar. I think that is all??? Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter View all posts by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

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