This is a VERY SERIOUS Internet Article. If I disappear in the next few days, this will be the reason why! A person claiming to be a high level employee of the NSA, the National Security Agency CALLED me on my cell phone!!! Nobody would know my real person cell phone number but the NSA! And, my BFF Fabian Sheen, Esq., an attorney. She is the only other person in the whole world who knows that the REAL ME is Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter! and she says it wasn’t her. So the NSA guy must have found this out as part of their Prism Project.
He said the NSA was making selective disclosures of their successes to counter criticism of their widespread monitoring and data collection. If that is the case here, then I am safe. Because I am helping the NSA. But if the guy was actually Eric Snowden, then I am just an unwitting dupe and totally screwed. So, when you read this, make a screen save and hide it somewhere in case you have to get me out of Gitmo, or un-renditioned from some foreign hell hole. Fabia has promised to take care of my cats.
Anyway, according to Mr. X, the NSA is having literal, real live fits with the Birthers. I made notes as we talked. He says the Birthers first popped up on their radar screens in 2008 when the words “Chinese” and “Wong Kim Ark” increased their word count level in some database thingy. On top of that, he said the name, “Vattel” was being picked up as “Patel” in aural recordings. Patel is like the “Smith” of last names in India. This gave the whole Birther thing sinister Asian overtones.
To continue, and all this is from him, he said that there was some disagreement at first between those who thought the Birther chatter was just meaningless, mindless babble, and those who thought it was just meaningless, mindless babble with secret messages hidden inside. The first problems came from the NSA Communications Analysis staff. Mr. X said that these staff members, well trained in foreign languages, are extremely sensitive to the placement of nouns, verbs, and objects in sentence structure, whether oral or written. They are trained to take note of subtle changes in sentence structures and phrasing.
After analyzing Birther communications, several of these individuals began suffering from nervous tics, random involuntary head shaking, and various dissociative disorders wherein they would experience short, but significant breaks from reality. The syndrome was given the name, Birther Language Induced Psychosis, or simply BLIP. The NSA was able to overcome this condition by augmenting regular staff training with a three week internship at a mental hospital. The multi-week exposure to the inmates and mental patients acted as a sort of vaccination to boost the analysts’ tolerance levels.
Which, is where the next problem occurred. Mr. X says that the NSA has something they call Mathematical Algorithm Language Ware, or MAL Ware. This is very technical and way over my head. But, I will try to explain it the same way he explained it to me. He said that sentences and phrases can be converted to mathematical values, and then analyzed as math, not language. Words like “if, then, therefore, conclusion, maybe, and all” get converted to symbols and then analyzed for meanings.
He said MAL Ware was able to translate almost any word in any language to these symbols, and then analyze the whole communication. But, sometimes the results came out like a bad Google language translation. So, during the three weeks that the analysis staff was occupied getting exposed to psychotics, and people who talk to telephone poles, the NSA had to run all the Birther stuff through the MAL Ware computer program. There were some unexpected results.
For example, language from Mario Apuzzo, Esq., caused the MAL Ware machine hard drives to spin at high speeds for prolonged periods of time while producing no discernible result whatsoever. Input from Butterdezillion produced much more malignant results. MAL Ware CPU’s began chugging down like a car does when it gets dirt in the fuel line. Then, the CPU would overheat, and melt out of its soldering. Some NSA computer technicians were convinced the CPU chips were trying to crawl away from the Mother Board on their little legs. Further analysis discovered that unlike normal computer code, which consists of “ones” and “zeros”, the Birther translated code was almost entirely composed of nothing! It was mostly all zeros!
This had severe national security implications, and an emergency meeting at the White House was convened. Some advisers claimed this was part of a Chinese led hacking program, called WKA. And, that as the bad Birther code further devolved into something called low level machine language, computers across the country would begin to melt down.
Other advisors were convinced that this was a fortuitous event, and the United States should take advantage of its higher than normal percentage of crazy persons. They argued that rational persons could never develop the depths of irrational thought patterns exhibited by the Birthers. Because MAL Ware could translate the irrational thought processes into mathematical code, the United States could quickly weaponize this advantage.
An uneasy truce was reached between the two sides. The NSA immediately contacted operators of the nation’s internet and communication infrastructure to route all known Birther-related communications through a special optical fiber cable network for further analysis. For reasons of national security, the IRS was instructed to slow down “patriot” and “Tea Party” 504(c) applications to reduce the load of Birther traffic on the already strained network. The website belonging to Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. was periodically hacked by the NSA to further reduce the magnitude of the potentially destructive Birther code.
A separate computer group working inside the NSA began work combining snippets of Apuzzo code and snippets of Butterdezillion code into a destructive computer virus called STUX. By 2010, this code was deployed in Iran to destroy the computer driven devices in their nuclear program. It was a success, and a potential nuclear war between Israel and Iran was temporarily avoided.
These scientists are convinced that if they can learn to comprehend the illogic contained in Butterdezillion’s writings, particularly where “in-valid” is not opposed to “valid”, but instead entirely contained within “valid”, they can create a Super-Stux virus. Meanwhile, the WKA group, who are convinced the Birthers are part of a secret Chinese computer infiltration plot, continue to analyze the various Birther communications for any hidden rational meanings. So far, they have struck out.
However, both groups are convinced of the potential dangers from handling the Birther material. A new NSA complex is being constructed in Utah which will house both groups, safe and apart from Washington, D.C., and other high population centers. Just in case the whole darn thing melts down.
I am pretty sure this is a true story, because it explains so many things that have happened and that are currently in the news.
Note 1. The Image. If you can’t read the signs on the wall, just click on the Image to make it larger. As far as the Image Easter Egg, this is another word play. Rotors were utilized in early coding and de-coding machines. A roto-rooter on the other hand, is a useful device for unplugging sewer lines. Wiki has an interesting article on the early machines: