Tag Archives: magic

The Natural Born Prince!!! (A Fairy Tale???)

frog prince 2 maxfield parish

Kermit Tried To Convince His Brother, Prince Hoppy, That Being A King Wasn’t All It Was Cracked Up To Be

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a wonderfully happy Kingdom known as Carmensita.  The land and people both were fertile. But next to, and a little to the South, of Carmensita lay another Kingdom, Lilypadonia, where things weren’t quite as good.  The land was swampy and full of witches and frogs.  Every time the witches gathered at night with their big cauldrons, shrimp, crawfish, and Abita on ice, the frogs would begin their incessant croaking and ruin the whole affair.

The witches, not wishing to be cruel, and usually attending stag,  discovered a pleasant way to kill two birds with one spell. They simply turned the frogs into Princes. For the most part they were pretty normal as Princes go.  They were easily distracted by flying insects and their tongues were all a little on the long side, but they were handsome enough.

In the morning, the Princes would leave and find their way to the surrounding kingdoms.  There was no sadness at the parting. Like the witches were fond of saying, “There’s always more frogs in the swamp!”  Plus, for some inexplicable reason, the princes were in very big demand by the damsels of the neighboring kingdoms.  Maybe it was their bug zapping skills, or maybe it was because they were so very easy on the “Ayes”???

Anyway, because of the constant influx of Frog Princes, the Kingdom of Carmensita had a very strict, and very old law,  that only a “natural born Prince” could ever be King. This law came about when John Jay, a prominent member of the Carmensita Council wrote this in a letter:

Permit me to hint, whether it would not be wise and seasonable to provide a strong check to the admission of Frog Princes into the administration of our national Government, and to declare expressly that the Kingship shall not be given to, nor devolve on, any but a natural born Prince. Heaven help us all if a Frog King became distracted by a swarm of Betsy Bugs during battle!

Shortly thereafter, John Jay flew south for the winter with his special friend, Cock Robin.  And so, the King signed the Natural Born Prince Decree.

Now, something still had to be done with all the Frog Princes making their way to Carmensita.  The Kingdom was over run with Prince Hoppys and Prince Green Legs, and the whole bunch was totally lacking in the simplest accoutrements of royalty. So the Council and the King got together and enacted the Prince Naturalization Decree.  The College of Heraldry was tasked to naturalize all Frog Princes, and provide them with Belated Letters Patent Of Nobility.  They would design a Coat of Arms for the new Princes, and help them find names to replace their Frog names. I mean, who is going to respect a Prince Croaky??? (Non-Frog Princes were simply enrolled with the College at birth by the Royal Doctor and their Letters Patent were not Belated.)

To get their Letters, the Frog Princes were physically examined for any throwback genetic issues, like webbed feet, or evidence of Swamp Whomp Syndrome from jumping around without wings. (see Note 4 below) They had to learn new skills like, eating with a knife and fork, not eating bugs in public, and not jumping into public fountains at every noise. After passing tests on these types of things, there would be a ceremony, a big feast, the singing of the National Anthem of Carmensita, and the presentation of Belated Letters Patent with the notation, Quondam Rana. Afterwards, there would be a Royal Ball.  From this point forward, the Frog Princes were just like every other Prince of the Kingdom, with that one little exception about being able to become King.

Now next to, and a little to the North, of Carmensita lay the Queendom of Connubia.  Connubia, founded by Queen Bodicea, was famous for two things;  its beautiful Princesses, and the Fulsome Bodice Mfg. Co.  As expected, many natural born Princes of Carmensita found numerous reasons to travel northward and often found Connubian bliss there. Sometimes this bliss would continue beyond nine months, and many Princes were born a little to the North of Carmensita.

These Princes wanted their sons to be able to achieve the throne of Carmensita, and to be entitled to all the other benefits of Carmensitan citizenship.  But, there was no Carmensitan Royal Doctor in attendance in Connubia, or any other neighboring Kingdom, to automatically enroll them with The College of Heraldry. So, the Carmensitan Coucil recommended a law which would invest the children of Carmensitan Princes born outside Carmensita, with the same rights as if they had been born inside Carmensita.  And this was added to the Royal Naturalization Decree. If a Prince had issue outside Carmensita, he would simply apply for Belated Letters Patent from the Heraldry College. These Princes did not have to take any tests, or have their tongues or bottoms examined. They were considered Princes of Carmensita at the time of their birth.

Now it so happened one day that Good King Cussworth of Carmensita keeled over dead as door knob after a particularly invective filled rant over a proposed decree to register all the swords in the Kingdom, and to completely ban assault swords. His daughter, the sweet and virginal Princess Squeeky, became Regent pending a marriage to a Prince.  Princess Squeeky was very smart and very good looking. She was also very humble, and you would never find any Pea in her bed!

There were two contenders for the hand of Princess Squeeky. One was Prince Stoutrod, who had been born in Connubia while his father Prince Klaxonhund was there performing quality control studies at the Fulsome Bodice Mfg. Co. Klaxonhund was a natural born Prince of Carmensita, and Prince Stoutrod had been issued Belated Letters Patent after his birth.

Then . . . there was his younger brother, the small and asymmetric Prince Runtwick. He had been born in Carmensita a few years after Prince Klaxonhund returned to the Kingdom to recover from various diseases of a personal nature. Now, being the younger brother, he would normally not be in contention for the throne. But, Runtwick had registered a Challenge to the Carmensita Council based on the following argument:

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! My Brother Prince Stoutrod is NOT a natural born Prince because he was born in Connubia! No Royal Doctor enrolled him at birth, and yea verily, he had to apply to the College of Heraldry for Belated Letters Patent, to be naturalized, just as do the Frog Princes!!! And our laws demand a natural born Prince, not one who is naturalized and not one whose Letters Patent are Belated!!!

Princess Squeeky, who had a dog in this particular hunt, joined in as the Champion of Prince Stoutrod. responding:

Princess Squeeky doth say thee, “Nay!” For was not the whole point of the Decree to grant the same rights to those Princes born outside Carmensita as those born within? It may be through the provisions of the Prince Naturalization Decree, but not through any process of naturalization. There is no Quondam Rana on Prince Stoutrod’s Letters Patent. He clearly comes not from Frogs.  And whilst I would not know from a certainty, I have heard it from those maidens who should know, that his feet are not webbed, and that his nether regions are far from numb.

Further I say, that Prince Stoutrod was never given tests tempting him with flying insects, and verily that he never jumped and hid in a public fountain except that once when Bad Robert the Blacksmith suspected him of swiving his daughter, and did chase him with a forging hammer.

Also, I say that the mere act of obtaining Belated Letters Patent is but a clerical matter, necessitated by the fact that no Royal Doctor was there at the time of his birth to do so as a matter of course.  What should one so born do, come back to Carmensita and pretend to be born again, so that a Royal Doctor may enroll them at that time with the College???

Were that so, many are the Princesses who would go through the process several times over and thus lower their age by 15 to 20 years at a whack, so that a 40 year old Spinster Princess could advertise by mail that she is but 20 years of age, and have the papers to prove it!

Nay, Prince Stoutrod became a Prince at birth, with the recording of it taking place at a later date. And that is all that was contemplated by the Natural Born Prince Decree. That he be born a Prince, and not be from the Frogs.

Now, do your duty and give me my Prince. Pleeeeeaaassse!!!

The Carmensita Council members were moved by the wise words of Princess Squeeky, and made Prince Stoutrod the King.  And they all lived happily ever after!

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1. The Image. This is Frog Prince by Maxfield Parrish. Here is a website where you can see more of his illustrations.

http://parrish.artpassions.net/

Note 2. Gran-Pa Frog by Smiley Burnett. Speaking of Frog genealogy, I can’t believe I found this!!! I used to have this record when I was a little kid, and my father sang it to me a lot. It is a GREAT song, even for grown-ups, and easy to play on guitar:

http://www.smileyburnette.org/SBI/Smiley/KidSongs/Granddaddy_Frog.mp3

Here is a copy of the cover:

frog_and_crow

Here is a link to the whole website with other kid songs:

http://www.smileyburnette.org/SBI/Smiley/KidSongs/Classics.html

Note 3. The Kingdom of Carmensita National Anthem: There REALLY is such a kingdom, and here is a youtube  video which was shot on location there, with their National Anthem:

One may find a translation, or two, of the lyrics here:

http://ourelephantgun.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/carmensita-lyrics-translated-to-enlish/

Note 4. Swamp Whomp Syndrome. Everyone has surely heard the old adage , “If a Frog had wings, he wouldn’t whomp his ass every time he jumped.” But few people are aware that engaging in such activity causes severe callousing of the buttocks and eventual peripheral numbness in the nether regions. The numbness results in some people being unable to find their buttocks in the dark with both hands.

Note 5. The College of Heraldry. There really is just such a thing! Just like some law schools, you can get your Letters Patent online:

http://www.grandduchy.org/rch.htm


Untimely Ripped – A Halloween Special

A Spelling Bee? The Pot Thickens!

Untimely Ripped
by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

A dark Cave. In the middle, a Caldron boiling. Thunder.

First Birther Witch: Cursed long form on the loose!
Second Birther Witch: Honolulu born papoose!
Third Birther Witch: Sank my book, and cooked my goose!

First Birther Witch:

Hair of dog, and hemlock bark
Make them forget Wong Kim Ark.
Poppy flowers pink and blue
Toss it all into the brew.
Add some roofies if you please
(Wong Kim Ark sounds sooo Chinese!)

All

Around about the cauldron go;
And in some poison’d thinking throw.

Second Birther Witch:

Case of Minor Happersett
Throw it in, you won’t regret.
Cut a paragraph in two
Throw the first part in the stew.
Here’s the part you must leave out
It’s the half that mentions “doubt”.
They won’t find it, so we think
(Justia has lost the link!)

All

So dance about the magic pot;
And Thank God, ethics. . . we have not.

Third Birther Witch:

So we start our bouillabaisse
But we need a stronger case.
Something fishy. . . something French
Add some de Vattel. . . a pinch.
Page from Law of Nations book.
Shred it up and let it cook.
And to recognize our Dream
Some Hot Air to make it steam!

Sympathetic magic rules:
Like gets like” and we like fools.
So to  help us sell this dud,
What we need is Baboon blood.
But it’s missing from the shelf!
Never mind, I’ll prick myself.

All

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble;
We can’t wait to start some trouble.

2 WITCH.

Run in circles, scream and shout;
In thirty days we’ll have him out!

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1: Untimely Ripped  A line from Shakespeare’s play, Macbeth, referring to MacDuff who was, in one sense,  “not naturally born.”  Macbeth cannot be harmed, according to the witches, by ‘man born of woman’.  However, MacDuff was “untimely ripped” from his mother’s womb…by Cesarean section.

This poem is “ripped” from that play Act IV, Scene I. Shakespeare’s poem is provided in full, below.

Note 2: Witch Gender

In the 17th century, witches were both male and female persons who had made a pact to serve the devil. In exchange, the devil passed along certain powers to the witches. According to confessed witch William Barker, the devil promised to pay all Barker’s debts and that he would live comfortably. The devil also told him that he wanted to set up his own kingdom where there would be neither punishment nor shame for sin.

http://salem.lib.virginia.edu/archivist.html

Note 3: Poppy Flowers – used to make opiates. Roofies are the slang term for Rohypnol, the date rape drug. Said to cause sedative, hypnotic, dissociative, and/or amnesiac effects.

Note 4: Bouil·la·baisse  (bool ya base or boo ya base) Noun.

1. A highly seasoned stew made of several kinds of fish and shellfish.
2. A combination of various different, often incongruous elements: a bouillabaisse of special interests.

Note 5: Sympathetic Magic. Basically, that like produces like.  The “baboon blood” (which is also found in Shakespeare poem), is being added to attract other monkeys to the theory. From wiki:

The theory of sympathetic magic was first developed by Sir James George Frazer in The Golden Bough. He further subcategorised sympathetic magic into two varieties: that relying on similarity, and that relying on contact or ‘contagion’:

If we analyze the principles of thought on which magic is based, they will probably be found to resolve themselves into two: first, that like produces like, or that an effect resembles its cause; and, second, that things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed. The former principle may be called the Law of Similarity, the latter the Law of Contact or Contagion. From the first of these principles, namely the Law of Similarity, the magician infers that he can produce any effect he desires merely by imitating it: from the second he infers that whatever he does to a material object will affect equally the person with whom the object was once in contact, whether it formed part of his body or not.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_magic

Note 6:

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) from Macbeth – Act IV Scene I:

A dark Cave. In the middle, a Caldron boiling. Thunder.

Enter the three Witches.

1 WITCH.  Thrice the brinded cat hath mew’d.
2 WITCH.  Thrice and once, the hedge-pig whin’d.
3 WITCH.  Harpier cries:—’tis time! ’tis time!

1 WITCH.  Round about the caldron go;
In the poison’d entrails throw.—
Toad, that under cold stone,
Days and nights has thirty-one;
Swelter’d venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i’ the charmed pot!

ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

2 WITCH.  Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing,—
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

3 WITCH.  Scale of dragon; tooth of wolf;
Witches’ mummy; maw and gulf
Of the ravin’d salt-sea shark;
Root of hemlock digg’d i the dark;
Liver of blaspheming Jew;
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Sliver’d in the moon’s eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and Tartar’s lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver’d by a drab,—
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger’s chaudron,
For the ingrediants of our caldron.

ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

2 WITCH.  Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

brinded – having obscure dark streaks or flecks on gray
gulf – the throat
drab – prostitute
chaudron – entrails