The Birther Bible

Being The Collected Books Of The Birthers

Happily, The Graven Image Turned Out To Be Genuine

The Book of the Apuzzites

Chapter 1

1. And this is the story of the Apuzzites, and the story of their beginning.
2. In the first days of the Usurper, there arose a scribe by the name of Apuzzariah, who spoke, saying:
3. “Lo, this land is saddled with a Usurper, for he is not of this Kingdom, for his father cameth from the Land of the Ebonites, and tarried but a brief time in our tents;”
4. “Yea, even though he speaketh our tongue, and weareth our dress, he is not of us, and he must go.”
5. “Yea, even though he has dwelt amongst us since the days of his youth, and taken a wife from among our people, he is not of us, and he must go.”
6. “Yea, though he counseled with us within the Holy Places of The Law, still he is not of us, and he must go.”
7. Then didst Apuzzariah meet with others of like mind, and they counseled amongst themselves saying, “How shouldst we rid ourselves of this Usurper, for his father was of the Ebonites, and he is not one of us, and he must go.”
8. For the Usurper had been chosen in accordance with the Law, and the Chiefs and High Priests and Judges didst vouchsafe him, making him secure in his palace.
9. Then Apuzzariah, being learned in the Law, counseled them saying, “I haveth a plan!”

Chapter 2.

1. And these are the words that Apuzzariah spoke:
2. “Let us say, with one voice, that the Usurper has not been chosen in accordance with the Law, but that the Law is some other thing, which permits not the issue of the Ebonites to serve in high places, nor the issue of any other people.”
3. But his voice was shouted down, and many spake against him saying, “Thy words will never flyeth, for they were not uttered during the time of choosing, not even by those against whom the Usurper contended.”
4. And in like manner they also spoke, saying, “Thy words have a foul odor unto them, for who among us changes the rules of some sport after the game is ended, and the winner crowned???”
5. Then they counseled with Apuzzariah and said, “Better it is to continue telling that the Usurper wast not born amongst the tents of our people, but amongst the tents of the Ebonites, where his mother didst travel, heavy with child.”
6. “For already have we spoken these things, and there is some ear among the people for the words.”
7. And others did chime in, saying “These are words of great wisdom, for if we speak this new thing, the people will believe us not, and say unto us, “Thou are not speaking words of truth, for thou art attempting to change thy boat in mid water, only to sail off in some new direction.”
8. And still others did put in their own two pence of counsel, saying “During the time of choosing, my words were never of this Law, but only of the Usurper being born among the tents of the Ebonites. And shouldst my words change now to this new thing, I shall be mocked, and the people will say unto me;”
9. “What, didst thou know not of this Law when last thou spoke unto us? Didst thou forget this law? For all knew his father was of the Ebonites. Why didst thou not speak then?”
10. Or mock us, saying, “Art thou only now learning of this, for the first time? If thy learning is this new, then why shouldst we believe anything thou speaks? Could it be that thou wishes only to obtain the thing desired, and will say anything in furtherance thereof?”
11. But Apuzzariah held firm against them and was not deterred, saying only unto them, “Heareth my plan!”

Chapter 3.

1. And these are the words that Apuzzariah spoke unto them, saying;
2. “Lo, many years have I toiled as a scribe, and many strange devices observed.”
3. “And there is a thing which occurs as surely as the cock doth crow upon the sunrise; that when many parchments are gathered together at one time to be laid before a judge, all doth pay less heed to them. Even unto the judge, and all the scribes, on account of the great weight and number of the parchments.”
4. “For where there are many such parchments, none really knows what is contained within, for all but have the same thought; to be done hurriedly with this work, lest one’s eyes be ruined in the reading thereof, and one’s mind overfilled with the words therein.”
5. “Yet, whereas all do this thing, none will admit thereof, for shame of being named slothful or unlearned.”
6. “Therefore let this be our plan, that where one word wouldst suffice, we shall provide a thousand, and where one parchment wouldst hold all that is necessary, we shall provide a thousandfold.”
7. “Then, when one says unto us, in the manner afore spoken, “What, didst thou know not of this Law when last thou spoke unto us? Didst thou forget this law?””;
8. Then shalt we say unto him, “What? Hast thou not read the four score and third parchment provided unto you amidst all the others? For this is a difficult teaching, and much study is necessary for the understanding thereof.”
9. “And then he will think in his heart, “I have read not that parchment, nor the aforegoing four score and two parchments, nor either the ones after, for lo, I fear danger unto my eyes and unto my head to be over filled with the words thereupon.””
10. “Yet, he will not speak aloud this thought, for shame that he be deemed slothful or unlearned, and he will but slink away, saying nothing in reply.”
11. “Thus we have the manner to overcome the protestations aforespoken.”

Chapter 4.

1. Then those gathered with Apuzzariah questioned him further, saying;
2. “What of the judges, for they know the law, and know that the number of parchments changes not the law?”
3. Then Apuzzariah answered, saying unto them, “What matters it to us what the judges say, for we present such a great confusion, that the people will agree with us for fear of having to study the large numbers of parchments for themselves.”
4. Then shalt they cry out for new judges, who understand the mysteries thought hidden in the parchments, yet which exists not.
5. Then another asked of Apuzzariah, “Will not the great numbers of parchments require many asses to carry them unto the judges, to be laid before them?”
6. Then Apuzzariah answered, saying unto him, “Asses are plentiful, and new ones born each day; and we shall ask those who hate the Usurper to lend their asses unto us, or to carry parchments on their own backs to the judges, to be laid before them.
7. And Apuzzariah spoke further, saying unto them, “Fear not the lack of asses, or what words thou hast already spoken, and go along with mine endeavor.”
8. Then another one gathered there asked of Apuzzariah, “But who among us shalt prepare this mighty number of parchments, for even were we to list all the laws of the land, they wouldst not cover so great a number of parchments as thou contemplates?
9. And Apuzzariah replied, saying ” Verily, I say unto you, worry not, for I have this problem well in hand.”
10. “For unto our laws, shalt I also add the laws of other lands, as if they were our own, for truly do the laws of each land bear a passing similarity to each other.”
11. “And if there art no laws which say that which I desire, I shall make up the words, for who among the people can read the tongues of other lands?”
12. Then those gathered with Appuzariah marveled at his wisdom, and praised him saying, “Great is Appuzariah, and great the numbers of parchments he shall lay before the judges!”
13. And they named themselves Appuzites, to honor him, and set out across the land to spread his many words.

The Birther Bible Said Hot Air Could Resurrect Dead Legal Theories

The Book of Vattel

Chapter 1

1. In the beginning was the Prophet, and his name was Emerich de Vattel.
2. And Vattel laid down the Law unto all nations, and the name of the Book was, The Law of Nations.
3. It was written in the language of the French.
4. Verily did Vattel say, in paragraph 212 of Book 1: “The natives, or natural-born citizens, are those born in the country, of parents who are citizens.”
5. Thus it was and thus it shall always be.
6. For did not John Jay seek permission of George Washington to inquire if any but a natural born citizen should ever become President?
7. And did not George Washington borrow The Law of Nations and returned it not,  for the love of it?
8.  Yea verily, the French are a great peoples, who invented mimes and many wonderful cheeses.

Chapter 2

1. Then there arose in the land those who denied the words of Vattel, and mocked the true believers and tempted them from the paths of patriotism with clever arguments.
2. These were known as the Anti-Vattelites.
3. They falsely testified that the common law of the English was the source of natural born citizenship, and yea, had been so for centuries before the coming of Vattel.
4. They told tales of Calvin’s Case, and how mere birth within the kingdom made one a natural born citizen.
5. Many were the American legal cases whereof they spake,  and none which required two citizen parents to begat a natural born citizen, when the birth occurred within the Kingdom.
6. But the fast tongues of the Anti-Vattelites did not stop there.
7.  No, for the blasphemous tongues of the Anti-Vattelites fashioned the very words of the Prophet himself into a snare for the unwary, saying unto them, “But did not Vattel himself say in paragraph 214 of Book 1, that “there are states, as, for instance, England, where the single circumstance of being born in the country naturalizes the children of a foreigner.”
8. Their slick words caused many to doubt, for of a truth those words do seemeth to indicate to the unlearned that the Prophet Vattel taught England was a nation unto itself, wherein mere birth inside the kingdom was sufficient for citizenship.
9. Yet, the wise Birther, who hath studied the matter thoroughly, doth understand that there were two Englands, and the Prophet was speaking of the other one, not the one from which sprangeth the United States.

The First Book of Judges (Also Known as The Book of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett)

Chapter 1

1. Then in the year of 1875, did one Virginia Minor sueth the Elders of the Tribe of Missouri so that she might be possessed of the right to vote, in the same manner as the men thereof.
2. She lost.
3. The Wise Judges of the Supreme Court didst counsel together and speak these words:
4. “At common-law, with the nomenclature of which the framers of the Constitution were familiar, it was never doubted that all children born in a country of parents who were its citizens became themselves, upon their birth, citizens also. These were natives, or natural-born citizens, as distinguished from aliens or foreigners.”
5. Thus did the Supreme Court recognize the words of the Prophet Vattel, and this became precedent throughout the land.
6. Selah. Selah. Selah.

Chapter 2

1.  Alas, after hearing the words of the Judges, the hearts of Anti-Vattelites were hardened.
2. For in shame they should have been driven from the land,  no longer being able to ridicule the Constitutionalists with their mockery of French law, and their blasphemies against the Prophet Vattel.
3. Lo, was there now an American source which gaveth the law that two citizen-parents must begat natural born citizens, and no others.
4. Yet, in their perfidy and false pride, the Anti-Vattelites respected not even these American Judges
5. The Evil Ones would have it no other way but that the Judges’ words immediately following the precedent, must also be included in the prophesy, those words being, “Some authorities go further and include as citizens children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents. As to this class there have been doubts, but never as to the first. For the purposes of this case it is not necessary to solve these doubts.”
6. They bore false witness that the Judges indeed made no decision whatsoever in the manner of precedent, and didst but punt the question regarding the children born inside the Kingdom of aliens and foreigners to some later court.
7. In truth, those words do follow the first words of the decision, yet they do not mean there was incompleteness.
8. For if those words didst mean such a thing, then the words of the Prophet Vattel would not be fulfilled.
9. This teaching is complicated, and must not be mistaken for reasoning that cometh and goeth in circles.

The Birthers Were Too Busy Tooting Their Own Horns To Hear What The Judges Said

The Second Book of Judges

Chapter 1

1. Trusting in the Prophet Vattel, verily did his Disciples begin to spread his word among all the peoples of the land, yea even unto the very Courts of the Law.
2. Yet the Judges thereof were cold men of hard demeanor, who kneweth not of visions and strange divinations.
3.  First, the Judges of the Tribe of Indiana didst send the Birthers packing, saying they kneweth not whereof they spake, and that the Birthers understoodeth not the words of the  Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
4.  Then, in like manner a Judge of the Tribe of Georgia, didst send the Birthers packing, saying they kneweth not whereof they spake, and that the Birthers understoodeth not the words of the  Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
5. With great impudence, the Judge of The Tribe of Georgia, favored the words of an empty chair, though it spoke not, over the words of the Birthers.
6. Verily, in a third such smite, a Judge of the Tribe of Virginia didst send a Birther of that land packing, saying he kneweth not whereof he spake, and that the Birther understoodeth not the words of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
7. And, with much disdain, the Judge of the Tribe of Virginia didst also speak harsh words unto the Birther, mocking him for a Fool, saying his words were without worth,  and forbade him from coming again unto that Court.
8. Lo, but the travails mounted up unto the very Heavens,  for then a Judge of the Tribe of Illinois didst send a Birther of that land packing, saying he kneweth not whereof he spake, and that the Birther understoodeth not the words of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett.

Chapter 2

1. It taketh not a wise man to discerneth a pattern in these things, and portents of things yet to come.
2. For liketh unto a small ball of snow rolling down a mountain, it mayst but grow larger and larger until it buries all before it.
3. So likewise might the words of the Judges, over a time, be heard and reinforce one the other, until the voices of the Birthers are met everywhere with laughter and great  jeering.
4.  For then will the people sayeth unto us,  that we knoweth not whereof we speak, and we understandeth not the words of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
5. Perhaps it wouldst be a wise thing for us Birthers to haveth ready made excuses near at hand, to explaineth away these defeats, and the ones yet to cometh.
6. Therefore, let it be said, when we meet with defeat in the Courts of the Law, that the Judges thereof are but exchanging false decisions for gold and favors.
7. Or, let it be said, that the  Judges are but minions of the Usurper, and thus provide false decisions out of loyalty unto him.
8. Shouldst the Judge be of a group opposed to the Usurper, let it be said that he has been threatened for his life, or that unknown persons have graven images of him in compromising positions of adultery, which they doth dangle over his head.
9. Also might we blame our defeats on our Advocates, saying that they doth secretly labor on behalf of the Usurper, or are not truly wise in the ways of the Law, having learned their craft at long distances from the places of teaching.
10. Nor shouldst we stoppeth with these alone.
11. Let our explanations be called Legion, for from these signs and omens, great will be our needs.

The Book of Rhetorics

Chapter 1

1. Many are the scribes of the Anti-Vattelites and their name is Legion.
2. Day and night doth they toil at their evil work, incessantly setting down facts which have the outward appearance of negating the words of the Prophet Vattel, yea even contradicting the interpretations of the words of the Judges of Minor v. Happersett.
3. It is enough to make a patriot throw up his hands in despair
4. For truly is it said, that ants may kill a camel, and gnats drive the bull from the pasture.
5. Thus, is it better for thee not to contend with words against the Anti-Vattelites  for they are quick of wit, and will confound thee with uncomfortable facts.
6. Far better it is for thee, to hitteth and runneth away.  Say, in thy haste, that it takes two citizen-parents to begat a natural born citizen, as if knowing whereof you speak, and then flee the forum hurriedly lest you be confronted.
7. For truly is it said that words repeated often enough take on an existence all of their own.

Chapter 2

1. But if thou canst not hold thy tongue, then it is better to contend with words than to stew in silence, for such will busteth thy gut and cause  fits.
2. And yea, here is the manner in which thou shouldst confront the Anti-Vattelites, if thou art feeling lucky.
3. Avoideth all talk of the Wong Kim Ark legal case, for here there be many dragons. Sayeth simply that Wong Kim Ark was not running for the Presidency, and prayeth earnestly that the Anti-Vattelite knoweth not the case well.
4. If however, the Anti-Vattelite knoweth well the case, then shouldst thou falsely remember thou hast an appointment with a physician, or some other pressing errand, and promise to return on the morrow.  But, returneth not.
5. Doeth likewise with the case of Ankeny v. Governor, although thou mayst also calleth these judges by foul names, they being but judges of that one tribe.
6. Some Birthers doth meet with success by copying and pasting large numbers of words from previous arguments without care that these words pertaineth not to the argument at hand.
7. Likewise mayst thou distracteth from the argument by the calling of names, limning the Anti-Vattelites as Minions of the Usurper.
8. All such artfulness mayst be avoided if thou simply stays among the chambers of like-minded Birthers, where thou canst be comforted with the sound of echos.

The Book of Acts

Chapter 1

1. These be the acts which it is better for thee not to commit.
2. Thou shalt not maketh a Citizen’s Arrest.  These turneth out badly.
3. If thou attempts to maketh a Citizen’s Arrest anyway, and are afterwards arrested and convicted, do not talketh back and disrespect the Judge.
4. Thou shalt not engageth in civil rebellions or sedition.
5. If thou engageth in civil rebellions or sedition anyway, then thou shouldst not broadcast thy plans to bankers, the FBI, and strangers on the Internet.  These also turneth out badly.
6. Neither shalt thou carryeth within thy vehicle, personal pleasure devices or deviant materials, as these will cause much shame unto thee.
7. Thou shalt not refuseth to deploy if so ordered by thy Centurion.
8. Thou shalt not walketh away from thy military retirement.
9. Thou shalt not maketh the youtube videos in which thou promises to arresteth the President. For lo, his protectors shall descend upon thee with guns, subpoenas, and search warrants.
10. Thou shalt not calleth judges by names or falsely accuse them within their own Courtroom,  for their sanctions may be laid heavily upon thee.

By Now, The Birthers Had The “Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me” Number Down Pat

The Book of Lamentations

Chapter 1

1. This is the Song of our Lamentation, and the sound thereof.
2. Lo, though we goeth forth into battle against the Anti-Vattelites with songs of victory, always doth it seem we are sent packing.
3. Yea, though we goeth forth roaring like lions, we doth return always like small cats which meweth for milk in tiny voices.
4. Our heads are anointed with Cold Waters, and bitter rains doth drench our parade.
5. Gloom, Despair, and Agony, doth seem to be our constant house guests, which leaveth not, and yet payeth no rent, nor buyeth any food and drink.
6. Prithee, why shouldst this day be any different?
7. Though we rise with hope at Dawn, shall not Dusk only prosper those which wenteth long in the purchase of sackcloth?
8. Our ears doth ache from the sound of our own wailing, and our teeth are but nubs from the gnashing thereof.
9. So covered are we in ashes, that our own mothers recognizeth us not.
10. Truly it is said that we canst not win for losing.

Chapter 2.

1. Yet of all these miseries whereof I speak, none are so great or hard to bear as the glad songs of the Anti-Vattelites, who doth always seem to caper and gambol in merriment.
2. Verily, it doth seem the deeper our despair, the greater is their happiness.
3. And the louder the sound of our Lamentations, the more they doth laugh and sport at our expense.
4. For late in the Darkness do I often lurketh at their encampments, with a purpose to spy upon them from concealment.
5. Wherefore I can speak of these things from a truth, and with knowledge.
6. And when one doth confront the Anti-Vattelites, concerning the outcome of some battle, this is the manner of their speech;
7. And they sayeth with false kindness, “Why didst Thou not listen unto us?” and, “Didst we not tell Thee it wouldst be so?”
8. Verily, there is a great pain in these words, for in truth the Anti-Vattelites careth not for our suffering, but doth take great pleasure therein.
9. And of a truth, they didst indeed say these things unto us before the happening thereof, and we listened not, which maketh us to rub salt into our own wounds.
10. Also doth they tell of villages and those of addled wits therein, and inquire if our village doth seek us, thinking us lost.
11. Canst any Song of Lamentation hold tears enow, when one’s enemies art rolling upon the floor in laughter?

It Was Just Darn Hard To Stay Awake During All That Vattel And Bingham Stuff

The Book of Revelations

Chapter 1

1.  Lo, in the Fourth Year of The Great Struggle against The Usurper and the Anti-Vattelites, didst the faithful grow restless, and cry out for Revelation lamenting;
2.  Where art the Wise Judges who will casteth out The Usurper and bring judgment to the Anti-Vattelites?
3.  For it has been nigh unto four years, and at every turn the Judges doth reprove our teachings, and we are sent packing;
4.  The Anti-Vattelites  nameth us like unto the madmen who doth continually butteth their heads against walls of stone.
5.  And verily, we are confounded, and our heads are painful to the touch thereof.
6.  And what have we in the ways of proofs and parchments that we might cause others to believe? We haveth not even parchments from some other Kingdom which claimeth The Usurper as their own.
7.  Thus, the Anti-Vattelites mock us saying, “Bringeth forth that which thou hast in the way of proof, and put it before all the people to see.”
8.  So they dareth us, and when we canst not bringeth forth any such parchment, they mock us, saying in the manner of derision;
9. “Fools, you believeth not thine own lying eyes, for is not the truth with us, who boldly mete out our parchment, placing images thereof even upon lowly drinking vessels, which are sold for profit?”
10. Also they sayeth unto us, “Hast thou only the sound of thine own words?”;
11. “For verily thy parchments are old, and hoary with age, and pertaineth not to matters at hand, while we Anti-Vattelites have new parchments which do pertaineth, which we lay proudly before the Judges.”
12. All of this stingeth like a nest of hornets,  and it is ever more difficult to keepeth our faces straight when we speaketh;  for of a truth, wherever we seeketh respite, we are sent packing.
13. Therefore maketh unto us a Revelation, and give us mighty parchments, so that we might do equal battle with the Anti-Vattelites.

Chapter 2

1.   Then didst a teacher, learned in the ways of The Great Struggle,  speaketh; and these are the words that he spake;
2.   “Be comforted, for in the far distance I see a Great Beast, and the name of the Great Beast is  Polycras.”
3.  “And on the back of Polycras is a box made of gold, and inside the box of gold is a Great Revelation and many new parchments.”
4.  And the faithful stared one at the other in confusion, and mumbled asking, “Didst we receiveth an answer to our prayers or not, for we knoweth not of this Polycras???”
5.  Then some said that Polycras needs must be the elephant, and others the ass, and others still the porcupine, which doth prick the careless with many spindles.
6.  And the teacher spake unto them saying,  “Nay, Polycras is the Beast of Many Tomorrows, and like unto a Giant Tortoise”;
7.  “But one day Polycras will arriveth, for sure and steady is his gait, and the things which interests him art few in number.”
8.  And the faithful were comforted, for yea on some distant morrow, a Revelation would cometh, and many new parchments, though none kneweth the day or hour.
9.  And they went forward into the land, girded now with great confidences, seeking out the Judges, and sure that this time they wouldst not be sent packing.